No More Dead Hookers!

Let us walk through some comparisons of my former employer, which we'll call Retail and my new employer, which we'll call (unbiasedly) Awesome. At Retail, a company we'll pretend has a giant circle for a logo with a smaller circle inside, I had the opportunity to travel four or five times. The trips were always enjoyable, with the exception of one to Dekalb, Illinois. However, no amount of enjoyment could overcome the the incredible frugality of a multi-billion dollar corporation. Not only did Retail force you to stay at hotels near train tracks where hookers walked about, but they generally forced you to share said room with another person. The same company that makes a profit on clothing that is on 75% clearance only gives you your own hotel room half of the time.

For example, once while college recruiting in Lames, IA (that's what the witty IA City people called Ames out of their own infantile douchebaggery), I stayed at a hotel on the far end of town. This hotel, which was incredibly proud of the fact it was no smoking, illustrated by the inane amount of signs stating "no smoking" plastered on the TV, the bathroom mirror, the wall, and the receptionist, somehow had dingy yellow walls that turned brown towards the ceiling. Personally, I would have rather they allowed smoking. That would have at least given me a decent guess as to what caused the color deterioration to begin with. The beds were lumpy. Unfortunately I didn't have my black light readily available. I'm sure if I did and I turned it on, I would have found several off-putting stains spread throughout the room.

I would go out for food on these Retail voyages, as long as breakfast wasn't more than $6, lunch wasn't more than free, and supper wasn't more than $20. I could get one, ONE, alcoholic beverage because, "Retail executives are always on stage." Any additional appetizers or alcohol were to be personal expenses; nevermind the fact I spent an evening or sometimes evenings away from home for a monolithic corporation, I wouldn't be getting no nuthin' for free. After drinking my one drink and eating my fast food, I get to go back to a hotel room and share it with someone who snores loudly. After spending the next day completing whatever arbitrary business I had to take care of, without business cards because, "only those who need them get them," I cram into a rental car that was generally one size too small with four other people and drive an hour and a half home. When I got home, I reflect on how neat it was to see nearby interstate roads and buildings that look exactly like the building I worked in. Tears fall from my eyes. I only wish that Retail would have forced me to wake up at 8:00am to drive 6 hours to work a night shift until 2:30am instead of letting me come in the night before. Oh wait, they did do that. The delicious cherry on top of the cream filled chocolate flavored pie was that all expenses I incurred had to be put on my debit card for reimbursement three weeks later.

So yeah, my old job had "travel opportunities" which meant "extra work" in identical locations on your "off days" where I earned no "comp days." The joys of Retail.

Let's contrast this to my current employer, Awesome. At Awesome, within a day of starting with the company, they gave me a credit card, so when I travel I don't have to put airplane tickets, car rentals, hotels, etc. on my own personal debit card. What a concept! In addition, instead of traveling to booming metropolises such as Dekalb and Topeka and Oconomowoc, I get to travel to places such as Monterrey, Mexico, where I am now.

You're thinking, "So wow, you're in Mexico. Have fun navigating through the fields of flamboyantly dressed napping people." To which I'd say, "You need to see this hotel." The hotel whose bed I lay upon right now feels like a palace of some sort. When checking in, they gave me a glass of champagne while I waited. The curtains look like something out of one of those luxurious movies where people stay at hotels well outside their means. The bathroom is as big as my first college apartment and features a bath tucked away in a small alcove. If I felt so inclined I could have a nice romantic bath with myself. That's right, myself. Even though I'm on this trip with four other people, I don't have to share a room with random coworkers. This is good because I've never liked taking my shirt off around strangers, especially strangers with lazy eyes.

As for dinner, before leaving the country, Awesome's Nurse warned me not to do the following while in Mexico: drink the water, eat ice cubes, drink fountain beverages, eat fruit that does not have to be peeled (strawberries, grapes, etc), eat beef, eat eggs, or buy any beverages from street vendors. That would leave you to believe we'll have uneventful dinners, just like with Retail. You would believe wrong.

My Mexican host, who I will temporarily waive my "no real names" policy due to the awesomeness of his name, Mondragon, is one helluva host. First off, he booked the palatial hotel I'm currently avoiding sleep in. Second off, he took us to a fancy pants restaurant that only had one dinner on the menu below $20. At Retail I would have had to eat only the free tortilla chips. Here, Mondragon bought my group four platters of appetizers, a mouth-watering $26 rib-eye, and forced us to eat delicious chocolate dessert. On top of this, I had a glass of sippin' tequila (which still tastes as bad as shot tequila); a beer (yep, a beer; called Bombardment or something); a glass of red wine; and a whiskey/Coke (I'd never heard of the whiskey before and Coke is fourteen times better in Mexico than it is in the US. They use a different sweetener, one the US proved long ago was fatal in heavy doses but Mexico still allows). All in all Mondragon proved more persuasive than Awesome's Nurse and throughout the day I had fruit, soda drinks, beef, eggs, and ice cubes.

After supper, Mondragon drove my coworkers and I back to the hotel even though he had twice as much to drink as any of us. He did this because Mexicans are genetically immune to drunkenness; he managed to navigate the confusing rule-free roads without a problem. At the very least, he seemed to do a good enough job in my opinion.

My buzz has worn off, so it's definitely time for me to go to sleep. I will lay my head to rest in a bed that appears to have no creepy stains (and was turned down by a bellboy when I was away; they gave me slippers too) in a room with consistently colored walls. Travel life doesn't get much better than that.