What I Learned After My Sister's Graduation

Next week My Sister graduates from high school. This is a particularly amazing feat because as to my knowledge she doesn't know how to read and only attended four days worth of high school classes. Either way, congrats to her. With graduation, we here in The Midwest like to have us a little get together called an "Open House." Open Houses involve the following:

Location: Garage/Backyard/Church/Clubhouse of some sort. Those in churches are more subdued unless held in the Church of Rock. Backyard/Garage open houses generally involve alcohol and tobacco (for the children).

Food: Sandwiches/Chicken Wings/Walking Tacos (if past noon); Breakfast casserole (if earlier than noon--rare). That's it. Those are the only foods allowed at graduation open houses. The sandwiches are always served on small rolls with too much butter.

Pictures: Photo boards of recent graduate "growing up;" spare copies of graduate's "senior pictures;" any collages of memories graduate may have lying around; embarrassing reminders of bad haircuts; current pictures with most recent boy/girlfriend so people can say, "Oh you are so cute together," even if boy/girlfriend looks like a toad with wings.

Alcohol: Optional, unless you're in my family. Then it is required for bearability purposes.

Awkward Conversations: At several points throughout the evening you should expect the following: "How do you know the graduate." "Oh that's great; I know the graduate this way." "Oh really." "Yeah." "That's great." "I know." "So, the graduate, how about him/her?" "No kidding. Special kid that one."

Awkward Conversations 2: At several points throughout the evening you should expect the following: "Oh my gee willickers, I haven't seen you since you were this big!" "Yep, how are you, um, person?" "Oh I'm good. I still haven't quite got over the time you and (insert name of person you've never heard of) did (insert an event you're pretty sure you weren't a part of)." "I know. What a crazy day. Too bad Mr. Williks died in the process." "I agree. Wait, what?"

Idiots: This category includes any high school male who knows the graduate. They will say several jokes throughout the evening that are so not funny they actually go past the not funny enough to be funny category into the not funny enough that it's legitimately not funny category.

I think that's all. I included a definition of Open Houses because evidently this is primarily a Midwest tradition. Lucky for us! What's nice about Open Houses is that not only are to we celebrate education, but we also get educated. Here's what I learned at My Sister's Open House last weekend:

1) I still make the greatest Long Island Iced Teas this side of the equator. Hectoria Muzzaraton of Brazil still has me beat. I will take you down Hectoria!

2) Cuban cigars are much more enjoyable at 3:00am when followed by delicious McDonald's Big Macs.

3) Going to get McDonalds at 4:00am after a night of chicken wings, pizza, cookies, assorted mixed bars, Skittles, and alcohol is ALWAYS a good idea.

4) Warming up to a gay black cashier is a great way to get your late night McDonalds order faster.

5) When you see someone with a white man and a foreign man, and the guy calls the white man Christian, don't automatically assume it's okay to call the foreign man, "Muslim." Some white people are actually NAMED Christian.

6) If the above situation takes place, continue to call the foreign man, "Muslim," until his brother shows up. Then call both of them, "Muslim."

7) Even if there are 700 plus chicken wings available, high school kids will eat them too fast. Always get to the chicken wings early.

8) If an Open House is to be held out doors, your father will blame any possible bad weather on you.

9) Your Mom will get annoyed with you for not being worried about the weather that is entirely your fault, according to your Father.

10) Parents are much happier when they are not stressed out, and they are drunk.

11) People just aren't into Jamiroquai references, topical as they may be. That is unless there name is Jamie. In which case they appreciate being called Jamiroquai when it's followed by a "Virtual Insanity" dance.

Well, my plane for Mexico is boarding (did I mention I was in an airport waiting to fly to Mexico?). If I think of any more lessons, I'll pass them on!