Hollywood and Its Agenda

In light of another Spears sister pissing her career down her leg by fertilizing her womb with the seed of a (presumed) jackass, I started to think. I thought back to yesteryear when celebrities were celebrities-wholesome, clean, and entirely not homosexual or license-free pregnant folk. You never heard of Grace Kelly mooching off her older sister Dinah's success only to announce she is knocked up. You never heard of Elizabeth Taylor doing anything crazy. And you never, ever heard of Cary Grant's secret passion for man love.

No, you never heard of these things for the following reasons: Never Happened, She Wasn't Famous Anymore By the Time She Got Crazy, and Because the Media Didn't Care About Such Things Back Then.

Either way, while thinking of how Hollywood has generally been nothing but a cesspool for infidelity, immaturity, and drugs on the "personal side" of the business, I realized they are just as bad and preachy on the "professional side" of the business. Now I admit, I'm a bit of a film snob. I look for deeper meanings in movies than you common folk. I hope none of you get brainwashed by the following:

I Am Legend and Castaway-When Tom Hanks--white man--is left on his own to survive he befriends a volleyball, grows a cool beard, and HE MAKE fire. When Will Smith--black man--is left on his own to survive he drives around recklessly in stolen vehicles, collects guns and shoots them on city streets, breaks into stores, and steals food. To quote Kanye West from the hurricane relief special, "Hollywood hates Will Smith."

The trailer for Rambo-Hollywood, do you really think old, out of touch people who really want the world to like them again try to convince everyone that the best way to solve problems is blowing everything, and I mean everything, up. Also, when you can, slit your enemies in the throat. I can't think of a single current President that has adopted such a naive mindset. I hear this movie is based on some missing CIA tapes.

Chronicles of Narnia-Am I the only one sick of Hollywood's constant right-wing conservatism being slammed down our throat? Does this story sound familiar? Four children walk through a wardrobe and enter a crazy fantasy land. In that fantasy land one of them is tempted by evil while the other three meet up with this nice and shiny lion. The lion is a savior to everyone. Then the evil uses the tempted kid to coax the lion into a situation that kills him. Oh no! It's too late when the tempted kid realizes he done wrong. Don't worry though, the lion ends up rising again a couple of days later to forever fend off evil (though the current trailer for the sequel leads me to believe evil comes back worse than ever after this most noble of sacrifices). It's just like the story of Reverend Jesse Jackson after staying out all night drinking Nyquil and dipping his pen in some broad's inkwell.

Apocalypto-Mr. Gibson, I understand that you hate people who aren't white and Catholic--hell you even told us yourself this summer--but do you really need to make an entire movie explaining why we as GO AMERICANS! should feel proud of ourselves for stealing the land from savage, bloodthirsty Injuns?

Alien vs. Predator-Don't feel bad for hating that guy down the hall that looks a little different than you, even aliens hate races they don't understand.

Million Dollar Baby-Title IX killed our woman folk!

The Godfather Part III-I've watched this movie seven times, and I still have absolutely no idea what the hell happens. It makes no sense. The Godfather series starts off so promising, reaching great heights; then it falls apart without warning because the people involved got greedy and thought they'd try to redeem someone who is completely irredeemable. I'm not sure what message they are trying to get across, but hopefully a former Atlanta Falcons quarterback takes heed that no matter how hard you try, you can't ever redeem yourself or your family from the evil depths of hell.

The Mitchell Report-This isn't a movie (yet), but can you believe that the government now wants its athletes to compete WITHOUT steroids? They want them to change now, after thirty years of corruption and cheating in all sports everywhere. The same politicians who are born into families with millions of dollars they use to hire spies to find out disgusting facts about their opponents only to air said disgusting facts on the TV in order to win an office that nets their family more power and more millions are now telling poor, poverty stricken Dominicans not to take a drug that will get them more money in three years time than their entire country has currently. You present a convincing argument, unfortunately you're a moron.

Commercials for Wal-Mart-For those who haven't seen them, Wal-Mart's new line of commercials explains why everyone should be so thankful for their presence. They save us all upwards of 2K a year. Really? Unfortunately half the workforce in the US works for Wal-Mart and makes 20K less than everyone else. Doing some quick math, 50% of the US saves 2K a year while 40% loses 20K (but also saves 2K) while in additional 10% make zero money and should be shot. That roughly translates to Wal-Mart is lying.

That should do it for now. I hope my above warnings have kept you safe from Hollywood's brainwashing. If you have any questions, as always, I don't care. Best Holiday wishes!