Now that I no longer work in retail and my current company is solidly unionized, I reap the benefits created long ago by lazy Auto Workers. The UAW may have ruined the America automobile forever, but they gave me a nice week and a half off, vacation-time free, at the end of December. I think I can drive my Nissan and take solace in that.
What essentially started Thursday the 20th at a Buffalo Wild Wings work gathering will end Sunday the 30th at a wedding in Minneapolis--the most unproductive 10 days of my life. Three of the ten days involved drinking or at the very least staying up until 4:00am. One of the days involved lying around recovering from two of the previously mentioned drinking days that occurred consecutively. One of the days was Christmas, which as a rule involves doing nothing. Another day was Christmas Eve, where my biggest accomplishment involved watching the GingerDead Man with my brother and Deck the Halls with the rest of my family (both of which deserve solid A pluses; they come with my highest recommendation; not really).
The ten day stint was not without its learnings however. Here are ten cryptic lessons I'll pass on to you. You can fill in the blanks yourself as to how I learned them:
10) After a five year sabbatical, two married alcoholics who decide to start drinking together will probably get divorced.
9) After an almost 300% windfall on my earnings at the casino, I am invincible.
8) My brother likes to be woken up by the words, "You have to watch this!" Then you go barreling into the room and throw a computer on his recently resting stomach.
7) If aliens ever come to the Earth, I will be your best bet to save the entire future. As long as you give me a semi-automatic weapon, steroids, and grenades on strings.
6) Couch saleswomen should not have unprotected sex with former homecoming kings.
5) Two dogs, when put in the same room together, with one bowl of food, one bowl of water, and several toys, will not stop playing ever. Even when they are both exhausted, grumpy, and near death.
4) Everyone I went to high school with has either lost 20 pounds or gained 60. I am in the latter portion of that group.
3) Marines may have trouble speaking Afghan, but boy can they drink.
2) Bartenders in my hometown will begrudgingly serve you after Last Call, if you point out to them calling Last Call at 1:05 is bullshit.
1) I do not like being petted at bars; conversely, people who pet me at bars do not like tussling my hair.
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