An Explanation and Then Stories About Haircuts, Deaths, and Time Machines

Many of you who know me probably question the "Stories from the Most Exciting Man in the Universe," subtitle to this blog. You would probably argue that not only am I not exciting, but I'm also rather dull. I disagree with that entirely. For while I may not thrill you with my wild ways, strange and exciting things tend to happen around me all the time. It could be that I am in fact so dull that people don't notice I'm around and thus speak freely, or rather I'm just one helluvan eavesdropper. But yesterday, a seemingly normal day like any other, gave me these three fine gems:

ONE:
I got a haircut and caused the person cutting my hair to cry. As soon as I sat down she gave me a weird look and said, "Do I know you from somewhere?" After awkwardly pumping me for information about my past, she discovered I once worked at the My Town's Lutheran Home. She was a CNA, me a kitchen grunt. She started telling me about how she had to quit the job because she couldn't handle any of the death anymore. Assuming this was just small talk, which I loathe when getting my hair cut, I mentioned something about how it was tough because you'd develop a bond with a patient and then they would seemingly disappear one day. The Stylist, not wanting to be one upped, explained to me that it was way worse for her. Of course it was. She then talked about a patient she got really close to, how the patient eventually passed, how she broke up about it, etc etc etc. Then, she told me about the woman who passed had a really wonderful daughter and that the daughter sent her a really nice letter one random day. Upon telling me about the letter, the Stylist started crying. My hair was being buzzed by a woman blinded by her own tears.

This would be fine, except she didn't acknowledge the tears, and then when the haircut was all said and done, treated me like any other patron. This either leads me to believe she cries during all her haircuts or there is some sort of chemical imbalance floating around in her brain.

TWO:
Stopped at a red light, two teenagers pull up next to me with rap music on very loud. I'm fine with this, as I listen to music very loud when driving. However, the car, probably from 1977, was essentially rust on wheels and each thumping bass beat looked to tear it apart. They both looked over at me. I met their look. They continued to look at me. I continued to look at them. Finally, I turn up my bass and my music (still Modest Mouse if you much know), lean down in my seat and give them a slight lift of the chin gesture. Appreciative, they lifted their chin to me, which I believe makes us homies, and they went off to impregnate their poor, uneducated girlfriends while I went to the library.

THREE:
My Town's library is new and fantastic. I've always had a theory on libraries: the people you don't know inside are actually from a different time. They dress old, they would look out of place in most areas of society, and they smell. Looking around this library, I immediately thought that no matter how new the library, it is still just a giant time vortex. Then I overheard a conversation that made me know I was right. A very Large Man was talking to a very Bald Man. Their conversation, broken down, went something like this:

Large Man (giggling): I can't believe that man.
Bald Man (not giggling): I know; can you believe the kids today. I thought I'd seen everything.
LM: I hear you man.
BM: First we had hippies, then punk rock, and now this. Where is society going?

The "now this" he referred to was...are you ready...the cover of Nirvana's Nevermind CD. I agree society is pretty much done for, you can thank the lack of general intelligence, an unhealthy level of discontent and hatred, and an absolute steadfast refusal to appeal to anything but the common denominator for that, but I never thought I'd hear, right in front of me, two guys from the 70's having the same conversation. For those paying attention, society evidently went from Hippies (cool) to Punks (deep) to Grunge (overrated) where we leveled out and just maintained. Thank you time traveling library patrons!