Helping Populate the World One BP Gas Station at a Time

Being as that I am on the road a lot, for one reason or another, I seem to accumulate memories relating to strange events at various gas stations and rest stops around the Midwest. Some events relate to no more than a throwaway comment that amuses me, such as the time at a Missouri gas station when a very nice, though I'd argue sheltered man couldn't figure out how to use the automatic creamer machine for his coffee. Upon finding out how to use the machine, he proudly proclaimed to the rest of the gas station, "I've been to three county fairs, and I've never seen anything like this!" Aaah, Missouri, so cute.

Other events inside of gas stations cause me to make positive differences in the lives of others. This past Wednesday, while driving to My Girlfriend's, I stopped at my favorite gas station. Yes, I have a favorite gas station, get over it. It's a BP station about 40 minutes outside of My Hometown. Why is it my favorite gas station? Because it has two very important amenities: a fountain pop machine that allows me to put shots of Minute Maid cherry into my drink along with, and arguably more important, a Godfather's Pizza. When traveling around lunch time (not dinner time, dinner is a stupid, outdated and officially retired word), a personal pan pizza from Godfather's usually sounds excellent. This past Wednesday however, I was too early and the pizza wasn't out yet (they don't put it out until ten). I debated waiting, but thought I'd peruse the store for other items I might enjoy. I picked up a Snickers bar and started filling my fountain pop, which was right next to the pizza counter.

I then enter into eavesdrop mode. Before I tell you what I eavesdrop, let's introduce the characters in our tale. First, we have Tall Guy. Tall Guy is tall, male, and evidently one of those guys that other people feel the need to impress by explaining acts of bravado and toughness to. Dweeb Boy is a dweeb, male, and someone who, though he works at a Godfathers Pizza located in a gas station in the middle of nowhere, is 75% sure he is God's gift to just about everyone. Drug Riddled Girl is a girl who's teeth jut out in a direction previously thought impossible, skinny to the point you wonder if she is real human being, and shy. Also, I believe Drug Riddled Girl loves Dweeb Boy, but it was too hard to determine after five minutes of observation and interaction.

Still with me? Good. We enter the conversation with Dweeb and Drug standing behind the service counter. Dweeb is talking very loudly to Tall, explaining that, "He's gonna get a group together and beat the shit out of _____ tonight."

Tall, impressed and proud, states, "Hell yeah. Why?"

Dweeb, who catches my not so subtle eavesdropping, catches my eye and starts to get more animated in his storytelling, "Aaah, the jerk just hates me because I'm dickin' his girlfriend."

Drug Riddled Girl stands and laughs. She rolls her eyes in a loving, "I can't believe Dweeb would say something like that," sort of way. It should be noted, I'm fairly certain Drug is not the girl Dweeb be dickin'.

Tall says, "Hell yeah. You should get a case of beer and go rile up some shit."

Dweeb, "I was thinking of getting a pint of whiskey and making him pay."

Tall, predictably, says, "Hell yeah."

I feel it is now my civil obligation to step in and say something. After all, some random man's life may be in jeopardy. I walk to the counter and say, "Whiskey does not come in pints; it comes in fifths and/or bottles." I have no idea if this is true, I'm fairly certain it is, but I so wanted to be friends with these people.

Dweeb, "Really? Well fuck it, I better get a fifth or something." Eloquently stated. It then occurred to me that this conversation was not at all appropriate for an employee of any place anywhere to be having with a customer. I should tell the manager! Then I looked at Dweeb's nametag and found I'd only be telling him. Cream always rises.

I continued, "I'm confused. This guy is mad at you because you're schtupping his ladyfriend, and you intend to kick his ass?"

Dweeb, "Yes!"

Tall, "Hell yeah!"

Drug Riddled Girl giggle giggles.

"From an outsider's perspective, it would make way more sense for him to want to kick your ass. After all, you already stole his girl."

"But he's talking shit about me."

"You're talking shit about him."

"Hell yeah!"

Giggle giggle.

"Now, far be it for me to offer a stranger any advice, but if you really want to get back at this guy, and not risk a jail charge, you should just stay with the girl and not fight."

"Shit man, I never thought about jail. You're a smart dude."

"Hell yeah!"

At this point, Drug Riddled Girl stopped giggling. I don't think she liked my advice telling her DweebiePoo to continue on with this random lady.

"Maybe I should just get her pregnant! That'd kill him," Dweeb says, problem-solvingly.

While this conversation went on, roughly eight minutes passed. Another employee, one not caught up in the whiskey pint and dickin' nonsense and who actually worked, pulled the first pizza from the oven. I had already resigned myself to a Snickers bar, so I said my goodbyes and walked towards the counter.

"Wait a damn minute," Dweeb says. "You just saved me jail time, you at least get some free pizza." He then carried a deep dish pizza to the counter, told the checkout lady to bill him for it later, shook my hand, and went back to earning a paycheck while talking to Tall and flirting with Drug.

I have mixed feelings about this whole event. On one hand, I may have saved some guy a butt-whomping. On the other hand, I most likely caused Dweeb to continue his fervent, sinful lovemaking and possible impregnation of this mystery girl. Knowing Dweeb like I do, and I think it is safe to say I now know him very well, he'll most likely abandon this girl during the second trimester. Thus, another impoverished, malnourished, and under loved baby might be brought into the world, partly due to my enjoying cherry shots in my Diet Coke. But since I can't see the future, and I have no idea how it will all play out, I'm just happy I got free pizza. Free, delicious pizza.