Random Thoughts to Keep the Vandals Away

My blog was hacked. Let me give a behind the scenes version of the hacking: Last week while my wife and I talked about whether or not I should take a recently offered promotion, she got distracted by her computer box. This is not unusual. In fact, this happens almost every five minutes. Here's a typical conversation between the two of us:

"Hi Wifey!"

"Hi Wifey!"

"I'm going to the deli Wifey, to procure some bread."

"I'm home Wifey."

"Do you want to eat part of my delicious deli sandwich?"

"WIFEY!"

Then she says, "Oh hi. When did you get here? Are you eating a sandwich?"

The night we decided to accept the promotion, we also decided to eat dinner. In the middle of making the excruciatingly difficult decision of what restaurant we wanted to visit, she opened her computer and started taking her own picture. This took about twelve minutes. She told me she was doing it for very important reasons. She then smiled quite beautifully and obtained a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. I later learned of the hacking because I inexplicably check my own blog on a nightly basis to see if its updated itself. I sometimes hope the me of the future or me of the past, assuming the past is alterable and the past version of me was warned by a future version of me to warn the present version of me, updated my blog to tell me of some dire circumstance I have to spend the next thirty six hours trying to prevent. This has yet to happen. However I was surprised to see a very lovely forehead on my blog and then scroll down and see my wife's (bah bah ching!)

It did make me realize I'm long overdue for a blog update however. There's been quite a bit going on for a change and with that a lot of little stories, anectodes, and life lessons that I've failed to share with you all. In no particular order:

1) I love the iPod's Genius Playlist feature. It works like this: You let Apple to analyze your music library, do a full scan of every file on your computer, and then take said information and sell it to all sorts of their business partners. However, unlike the Patriot Act, this complete invasion of privacy is voluntary and yields results that aren't talked about with the, "Well it may seem like its not doing anything, but you haven't seen us attacked lately have you," BS disclaimer. Quoth the Homer: Lisa, I'd like to buy that rock! The iPod, after knowing everything about you, including those naughty little websites you like to go to, will become a Genius. Whenever you listen to a song, you can say iPod, Geniusize! It will grow three sizes bigger and create a playlist of 25 similar songs based on eras, genres, your own personal history, and of course, awesomeness. I enjoy this feature at work so much that I've actually stopped watching movies while working on spreadsheets.

1a) That said, just like real Geniuses, it's very fun to fuck with this feature. For instance I have Hulk Hogan's theme song on my computer. You'd know why if you went to my wedding. I decided to base a playlist off of this song. The iPod pulled in a song from a Celtic Anthology, the fifteenth song on the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, and the Flaming Moes song from a Simpsons Anthology I own. My iPod wouldn't even attempt to create a playlist off of Sifl and Olly's beloved "Pots and Pans." It looks like I've outsmarted another genius. Go me.

2) True story: Last Friday Kelsey and I had to drive to the county recorder's office, so that we could switch the deed of our house over to my name. This all has to do with the impending move back to Cedar Falls/Waterloo. Here's what we had to do: I had to pay $15 for a form. I had to fill out said form. Kelsey and I had to stand in line to have Woman A look over the form. Once Woman A approved the form she pointed us down the hall into a room with three more women. One of the women in that room (we'll call her Woman U) reviewed the form and said, "Yep. It looks like Woman A got it all." Woman U then stamped the form and said, "Go back to Woman A. She'll take care of you." We then went back to Woman A and stood in line again. When we handed her the form back she took notice of the stamp and said, "Good Woman U added what she needed to." She then filed the paper and the house was mine. I've actually watched satirical corporate comedies with less made-up bureaucracy than this version of reality.

2a) When we were leaving the recorder's office, I looked lovingly at my wife and said, "I can't believe you just wilingly signed the house over to me. You know this just means I'm going to kill you and take it all for myself."

3) I've been adding a lot of really horrible movies to my Netflix auto-play queue lately. I don't know why. All I know is when I added Dollman Vs. Demonic Toys it recommended Stupid Teenagers Must Die whose adding recommended The Class of Nuke 'Em High. I'm assuming you've all seen the movie, so you can imagine my embarrassment on Saturday morning when my father in law stopped by as I watched the scene shortly after the prudish girl inadvertently smokes the radioactive marijuana cigarette and immediately must do the bedroom hippity-hop with her boyfriend--the cool guy who was dating the prudish girl because he thought it might be real love. After the ridiculous sex scene (where I think we can all agree the prudish girl had too large of nipples to be interesting at all) the two teenagers part ways. They now love each other. Unfortunately both of them start to experience strange feelings in bed later that night. The boys face begins to shrink, looking like a skull, but on the plus side his penis grows to be approximately six feet in the air and is now constantly erect. Unfortunately for the girl, her face becomes demon-like and she becomes pregnant and her stomach swells and the small alien baby (born from radiation) starts to sneak out of her belly button. I stopped the movie, so I'm not sure how it ends, though probably it does so awesomely.

4) I recently got emails from two separate friends that are now stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan. That's scary. I hope they return home with all their limbs. Better yet, I hope any injury that causes permanent damage does so in a way that they could later milk for humor. "I'm one armed crazy Joe! Welcome to my Dollhouse."

4a) That begs the question: Is it better to have all your limbs or have no limbs but be hilarious?

4b) Keep in mind that having only one leg would prevent you from having to feel guilty for not running.

I had more, but I'll write again later. My wife just came into the living room and shook me awake. Thus I'm posting this blog with no proofreading, brushing my teeth, filling my big yellow cup with water, stripping down into my skivvies, and going to bed. Peace and love. Peace and love.