Last night my Ladyfriend and I decided instead of sitting around playing Call of Duty all night, that we'd go meet some friends and eat pretentious food and drink nine dollar martinis. $85 later, we returned home (don't worry Dad, I managed to lock my keys in my car BEFORE drinking, so I did not risk my "ace" card--I had a ride home), we watched two wonderful episodes of How I Met Your Mother, and she went to bed while I started to write a blog. This morning I woke up to the following blog, titled "When Listending (sic) to Journey, I Cannot and Will Not Lie," saved in my "drafts" folder:
Hello everyone. It is about 12:19 AM on a Sunday morning and I am drunk. I am not totally drunk, but drunk enough that I feel compelled to write a blog about God knows what as my body tries to fight off sleep.
That's it. It's really too bad I fell asleep because that would have been something special I'm sure. Drats. But now it is Sunday. It's the start of a brand new week. The air is crisp, flowers are blooming, and there is a sense of fresh starts in the air. But before starting a brand new week, it's always nice to reflect on the top five lessons learned from the week before:
1) My Ladyfriend, attempting to scare me, asked me, "Are you afraid for me to be your WIFE?" She capitalized wife when she spoke by saying it loud and evil. I said not really. She then said she couldn't wait to call me husband and me call her wife upon marriage. I said, no we won't be doing that. That's dumb. I said we do need cool married nicknames however, which prompted the following conversation: (If you'd like the setting of the conversation, I was in the shower, naked and lathered, while she was getting ready in the adjacent room)
Me: I suggest you call me Double Sized Large Dong and I can call you Apple Tits. We can announce it at the wedding. People will be thrilled.
Ladyfriend (instead of the more obvious answer, no) replied: Why Apple Tits?
Lesson Number One: There is no good answer to the question, "Why Apple Tits?"
2) While working my tail off the other day ordering all sorts of exciting packaging supplies, I'm interrupted by a call on my cellphone from My Friend Who Looks Asian AND Jewish But (Sadly) is Neither. This friend does not say, "Hello," as American custom generally dictates. Instead, he says, "Brian Dennehy is not dead. You've watched Tommy Boy one too many times. You must be thinking of Ernest Borgnine." Confused, because I long ago realized Brian Dennehy was alive respond with, "Ernest Borgnine is also alive."
This prompted my Friend WLAAJB(S)IN to say, "Dammit," as if the whole crux of a very important argument hinged on Ernest Borgnine being dead. I then resumed ordering packaging materials.
Lesson Number Two: Debating with friends who look like a wonderful mosaic of ethnicity but aren't about which overweight character actors are alive or dead is much more fun than order packaging materials.
3) Best Buy is having a "40% off sale" for over 700 movies, online only. This excited me until I looked at all 700+ movies and found that only eight of them are any good.
Lessons Number Three.One, Three.Two, and Three.Three: The movie Mac and Me on sale for 40% off on BestBuy.com is still $7.49 when it should never cost more than $3 ever; A movie exists called "X: The Man with X-Ray Eyes." Is the first "X" necessary? Of course; There are way too many war movies starring either Kirk Douglas or Robert Duvall that have "Bound" "Glory" or "Arms" in the title.
4) Last night after leaving the pretentious restaurant where I dined on such things as "California burgers" and "chicken lips" which are respectively, "crappy tasting burgers with coleslaw on them" and "chicken fingers" (but for the RICH!) My Ladyfriend, Our Friends, and I went to a nearby bar that was too crowded to really enjoy ourselves. However, there was a particular female who looked like she had been drinking since 1979 wandering around the bar looking for her wallet. The woman approached my party of five and explained drunkenly how she dropped her wallet where we standing. We said okay, and started to help her look because not helping her would be all sorts of rude. She stepped into the middle of our conversation circle and bent over, placing her head in My Friend Who is Also My Former Principal's Daughter's hoo-ha, and sticking her rear directly into my nether regions. Unfortunately, we were of no help to her, not then, not the second time she came by to look, nor the third, fourth, or fifth times.
Lesson Number Four: Drunk women take note: People do not hide wallets in their sexy parts.
5) When I told My Brother about the above Apple Tits conversation, he agreed there is no good answer to the question, "Why Apple Tits?" However, I then disagreed with him, even though he initially agreed with me, and came up with the following three answers:
-The lady's breastisis are shaped like apples.
-The lady's breasticles taste like apples.
-Or the lady enjoys having applesauce poured on her breasts while having a delicious steak eaten off her belly.
The third reason prompted an awkward pause when finally My Brother, sounding jealous, responded, "I think I need to talk with my Ladyfriend."
Lesson Number Five: Hypothetical sexual applesauce scenarios turn on my creepy little brother.
There you have it. I still have a blog in me about my fascinating trip to San Antonio and also a very important letter I sent to Taco Bell, but those will be for another day. Foreshadowing. Awesome.
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