Part One: Letters to Me

I awoke this morning to have this letter from my mother addressed to My Idiot Brother and My Idiot Self in my inbox:

So, I'm reading the Des Moines Register this morning and came upon the following headline: "Wang goes the distance for Yanks." I wanted to cut it out immediately and attach it to the bulletin board but, sadly, you two aren't here to appreciate it. I miss you guys.

Aaah family. I may have the only mother in America who reads a double entendre (and really, what the hell was the Register thinking with that headline?) and starts missing her sons. You raised us well mom; you raised us well.

I had several other letters waiting for me in my inbox as well. Here's a sample:

It's been so long since we talked! How are you!? OMG, isn't great how I'm single handedly ruining the country right now? I mean think about it, my party could have easily one the next election (for better or worse LOL). I mean easily! It wouldn't have mattered if the big bad elephants ran McCain (as if he can still run), Huckabee, or that robot from Massachusetts, we would have slaughtered them. But now those Republicans (who really make it look like I have no idea what I'm doing), pick the one guy in America that could convince people, "Maybe I can actually have one more go round with the Republican party." Can you believe the polls are projecting this to be a close race next November? And it's all because I absolutely refuse to drop out of my race even though everyone with any sort of mathematical ability can see it is impossible for me to win the nomination without either a) shitting on the entire democratic process by convincing superdelegates to choose a candidate the real voters didn't want or b) shitting on the entire democratic process by sitting delegates in two states that knowingly broke the rules and are now complaining about the repercussions they knew were coming. I'd drop out, but it's TOO FUN to go and to talk at gymnasiums filled with delusional idiots who are helping me destroy the country.

Hugs, kisses, and vagina covered cigars (Yep, Bill convinced me),
Hil

Wow. At least she's aware she's ruining everything. Good for her.

Hey der buuuuudddddy, why do people like me?

Love, NASCAR

I have absolutely no idea. Any sport that results in the winner thanking, "the fine people at Dish Network," probably shouldn't count.

Thanks be to God the government finally intervened. Do you know how difficult it is living in a polygamy base? Most people have a hard time satisfying one woman, yet me, I was assigned up to twenty! Worst of all, I actually wanted them to get pregnant. Do you know how much midnight watermelon and Taco Bell I'd have to buy in order to satisfy those cravings? Now I have countless years in prison ahead of me while I needlessly appeal such a slam dunk case, but heck, that be America!

Looking forward to jail,
Texas Polygamists

I didn't realize they had my email address...

Did you hear me and Marc got over six million dollars to publish our kind of creepy looking babies' pictures in People magazine? It's amazing that no one ever complains we celebrities exploit children because our babies wear nice clothes and will eventually grow up start snorting coke. Maybe they should though because of that reason? I don't know. I'm not that smart.

Hugs, kisses, and unattractive skeleton babies,
Jennifer Lopez

Hi! I look like a horse that was beaten with three baseball bats that had acid-tipped spikes on the end. Remember me? We met at a bar in college. Anyways, you always seemed to have fast comebacks when people piss you off, so I wondered if you saw the footage of me when a student asked me how I felt about my Daddy and Monica Lewinsky. I told them it was none of their business, but I probably could have been wittier. I mean, how dare that punk kid think that the elected leader of the United States of America using the most famous office in the world for his own personal brothel is any of his business. I mean, I didn't ask him about any random floozy he brought back to his dorm room two weeks ago! It's the same situation really. The audacity he had to think the arguably most public (if not most kinky) affair that resulted in national headlines for months and the second impeachment ever was anyone's business but me, Mommy's and Daddy's. Anyways, any advice?

Hugs, kisses, and vagina covered cigars (Yep, Dad convinced me),
Chels

I would have told the kid the truth: your parents married out of convenience and power lust, then gave birth to you in order to prolong people calling them out on that fact.