Please it All, Come to my Big American Party

Home and Friends,

Sorry if miswords are used. My English improve by ten since last letter and Professor Mitchell says "Only English" until after examination final. As told to you, my week one and week two in the United States brought that of many studies and book readings. I wanted to earn a 4 on my grading booklet. My first examination was on a Tuesday of week three. I stayed up almost entire night reading books and reading notes before. The next morning at 8:30 the professor's assistant handed to me the test. I am happy to report the test was a success! If the semester ended today such dreams would be fulfilled.

I told my friend and live-in roommate about the successful test. He said, "Celebration is in order." He said to me that we're going to party it down man. I had never partied it down man. My live-in roommate went and got three other people who live near. They all slapped hands and said, "All right," and bad words. Mike said he'd help me get some chicks tonight. This excited me very much. I have yet to use my penis in this country and want immediately to find a wife. Mike gave me a shirt with several buttons and a collar. He then put a gooey substance like the stuff we use to mud the hut in my hair. He pushed all my hair forward and spiked the very front. I looked like Piotrs pet rhino. Ha ha. Remember when Piotr sold his rhino? I still remember the look on Ugaves face when he found the rhino could not sing.

We walked about fifteen minutes outside to a place called, "Wreckage." Barney said, "we might be walking there, but we won't be walking home." This made zero understanding to me. We showed the barman our local identification cards and entered the "bar." You should have seen the neat on the wall! A giant ship must have crashed right in the middle of this town of my university and then inside made into a bar! Memories of the crash were everywhere, and nicely on the wall a sign posted, "To all our friends lost at sea, we miss you with love but are jealous you're swimming." It was very cold that night. I was happy to be clothed and not in water. Mike, Barney, Steve, Ted, and I sat in a booth that sat in the jaws of a giant shark coming through the floor! History in making!

I then turned to Mike to tell him about my exciting successful test. He said to me that drinks needed to be ordered first. I said I want a sweet lime. He said what. I said sweet lime. It was funny because the music was so loud we couldn't hear each other. I recognized most of the music from that TV movie show about loving the 80s. The first played song always had a lot of boom boom boom and people would shake and wiggle on each other. The next song would then slow down and have a guitar solo and lyrics about never stop believing or roses having thorns. This would cause everyone to sway back and forth and put their drinks in the air and sing. They acted like the song was good, but they all looked like the time Rafiki learned his dad sold his business to the Monk from Tarzbodistan and knew the good times ended soon if not that day.

We sat in our shark booth drinking a bitter tasting drink Mike calls his, "*Bad Word*ing life fuel. Rah!" I told Mike I thought his shirt was too tight. He said the chicks like that. I said where are the chicks. He pointed to a table where two chicks with yellow hair talked to a guy with spiky hair and a mustache like Tito's. Mike said that guy is a dootchbag. How angry dootchbags make Mike!

Me drank life fuel for several minutes later and eventually a song about umbrellas caused me to get up and shake. Mike pushed me towards a small short woman who pressed her backside into my penis area. Oh how proud I am to tell you I have a wife candidate. She continued to push backside into me without turning to see my face. Love. The lights malfunctioned that night because we stayed until late and the lights kept getting darker as night went on. Unfortunately for guests, the bar fixed the lights right before they told us all to leave. It must be hard though for them to put lights in a crashed ship.

The woman now turned to push her front into mine. I loved this woman. She grabbed my neck. Her eyes were one wide open and one half shut. She pulled me forward and kissed me. Holy bells of Zanarkle! She tasted like fire ashes and perfume and maybe dorito chips. Next letter remember me to tell you of dorito chips. I never tasted anything so gross yet delicious.

When the lights came on it surprised me to see the smoke in the air. I worried the ash I tasted was from a fire. Sweet God rest Mornoshack. When lights came on I noticed girl before me to be pretty but not as pretty as with lights broken. Mike said to me get your girl and we're leaving. I told the girl I am leaving and she followed me. Her feet must have hurt because she had on boots that made her one inches taller and a skirt black and shiny. I said the walk might be cold because of all the skin she showed. She said, "Raf ne ophen tak a boo." Could you believe that! If she said so.

I asked Mike where his chick was. He said she was a dootchbag and *Bad Word* her, she never knew what she might of have had and he didn't need her and all the time of worlds besides he wanted to play Madden. Barney, Mike, Ted, the girl, and I then walked back to our rooms without Steve. Steve where did you go that night I wonder? We have only seen him once since then when he stopped by to pick up his t-shirts and brushes. He said nothing and no one knows why he left except Ralph, who's not telling.

When we got to the room, Mike told me he's staying in Barney's room tonight and to hang a sock on the door. I asked why. He said he'd explain maybe later. When Mike left the door, I put a sock on the outside and closed the door. Oh wow did the girl become! She right away did amazing things to my penis. Father, did mother do such things to your penis? I see why you let her buy those purses now even though you never get your fishing rod.

I believe that in six weekends from now after final classes, Mike and I are having a big American party. I have purchased thirteen cigarettes already with more to come! I have not seen my girl for one week now. She left early before I woke up and probably went to ask father for a wedding date. I'll post you updates.

Your son,
Hank Habbernathy

Oh and tell all hello except as always Minka. May he and his family eat snakes for breakfast!