My New Year's Resolution is to Give Something Up for Lent

After work tonight, while drinking incredibly delicious whiskey made I think by Jesus, a few of my coworkers and I discussed Lent. I first thought I'd give up lethargy, but I couldn't find the motivation. Bah ching. Seriously though folks I'll be here all night.

I don't believe that I've ever given up anything for Lent. I don't think it fits with my lifestyle. When I want to give something up, I generally want to stop for a reason other than "It's the first Wednesday of February, might as well." The reason I want to stop usually stems from someone saying something to me like, "I bet you can't do this," or some sort of store clerk showing an amazing amount of incompetence. I then give something up as my polite way of telling someone, "go to hell."

For example, I have not had a delicious soda or an even more delicious coffee since last May (unless mixed with incredibly delicious whiskey made by (and I checked, it's true) Jesus). Why? Because in May someone during my third week of the debacle that was my Target summer noticed I had finished three cans of Diet Mountain Dew by 10:00am. This person said something along the lines of, "Fuck Jay, are you trying to build a can pyramid?" I'm sure you can see this scenario presented me with two options-drink enough Diet Soda that day (I'm thinking 20 cans) to build a can pyramid or quit drinking soda all together. There was absolutely no middle ground. I opted to quit.

Tangent 1: Since I know many of you come to me for psychological advice and run-on sentences here's some for free: If at any time in your life you are adjusting from working the Worst Schedule Ever (Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays 4:30pm-6:08am) to working a schedule that has you show up for ten hour training classes that teach you how to fold clothes, cashier, and stock shelves, and you expect to stay awake for this oh so thrilling training, DON'T give up the caffeine that had been your life fuel for two years. If after giving up caffeine you find out that you are actually going to be on A Worse Schedule than the Worst Schedule Ever (Four days in a row, floating, 8:30pm-8:00am or sometimes 11:00am) doing a job that takes no discernible skill or talent and being trained by "the best" which is actually a human being that looks like a mouse and who thinks she's the greatest manager in the world when really she's just too full of herself to realize that everyone who both works for her and with her can't stand her DO make sure to treat her as poorly as possible and belittle her in front of both her team and her boss.

Seeing as my Ladyfriend and I are to be wed this summer, I thought about giving up some of my more unhealthy habits: eating pizza for lunch, eating at restaurants on Monday nights, not exercising, eating candy, eating whatever delicious food is on the treat table at work, eating at restaurants on Tuesday nights, drinking a half gallon of chocolate milk every other day, drinking whiskey, playing videogames for six hour sittings, eating at restaurants on Wednesday night, watching television, exercising my dog by merely throwing a stuffed animal for her to catch rather than walking her, eating giant bowls of cereal for breakfast, eating mandatory movie Dots at the two movies I go see each week, eating at restaurants on Thursday, sitting in a cubicle all day, skipping the occasional meal only to binge eat later, eating at two restaurants on Fridays and Saturdays, and ordering pizzas on Sunday.

Tangent 2: While I'm talking about health, who the fuck is voting for Hillary Clinton and her absolutely absurd universal health care plan? I've seen people run for high school president with more realist campaign goals. It's the equivalent of Joe Quarterback trying to get elected by saying, "I'm going to reduce each day to two hours of school and five hours of lunch." Sure, he doesn't have the resources or the time to do it (since he's busy leading an underachieving football team on its quest to reclaim their former glory), but it sounds good and gets people who think they can still get all the great benefits of five lunches and two classes without any of the costs (obesity and idiot brains). Also, why the hell does no one bring up Monica Lewinsky? Seriously, it has not been mentioned once (actually it has, by Tyra Banks) by anyone (except for Tyra, journalist extraordinaire). The press will make big stories up about nothing, but they won't ask how she feels about her husband using the oval office as his personal brothel? Do they give her a free pass because they are impressed Hil is better at avoiding errant cumshots than Lew Lew? That's the type of Lady Dame president we need!

Tangent 2.5: Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't health care costs lower dramatically if we could somehow protect well-intentioned doctors from frivolous lawsuits brought on by grieving families trying to replace their poor mutilated family members with money? Or is it too much to ask of a lawyer who married a lawyer to reduce the overly litigious nature of our society? (And yes, I realize I told Heath Ledger's parents to sue the media two blogs ago. I stand by that. I'm a hypocrite. Sue me. Actually, don't.)

Tangent 3: Don't get me wrong, I've always assumed the Clinton's marriage to be based more on power and convenience than something as archaic and naive as love. I also assume almost every politician everywhere cheats on their spousal units. Sometimes they even kill their mistresses and cause big big scandals that disappear and vanish when terror strikes. Seriously, who was that guy? I've tried to Google him for the last five minutes and can't find a thing about him. I think he's in cahoots with Osamahussein.

Only I couldn't possibly give up ALL my unhealthy habits. We're facing a recession, and I have to do my part to make sure spending is taking place. The restaurant business would be devastated without my $150 (roughly) a week. And how are the toothless QC waitresses and odd shaped QC waiters going to put four of their six illegitimate children they actually claim through trade school?

Since I can't be healthy for the sake of the children, I have to search for something else to give up for Lent. I could give up movies, but then I wouldn't be able to watch the Passion each Friday while I'm eating fish. I could give up being so incredibly masculine that average men are intimidated by me, but then I'd have to tear down all my Scarface and Bob Marley posters. I could give up cocaine, but then I'd have to start taking cocaine which would force me to 1) find someone who sells it and 2) learn how to ingest through my nostrils.

No. All of those ideas are terrible. I have racked my brain on this subject for hours. Just when I thought all hope was lost, just when I thought I wouldn't think of anything, I started to nod off. I wanted to think, but all my body wanted to do was sleep. I thought to myself, "Gee, caffeine sure would be good right now." Then I realized: I should drink coffee for the next six weeks. For Lent, I can give up my giving up of caffeinated beverages. I can enjoy my delicious Dark Roasts from Starbucks and the delicious Diet Chery Coke I will someday name a child after (I tear up just thinking about Diet Cherry Schmitz getting married to that wily Barqs Henderson).

There you have it. I'm giving up giving up. It's perfect really.