Coherent Thought Difficult to Come By

First off, the Kinks may be one of the greatest bands of all time. How is it no one ever told me about them before? Thank you Darjeeling Limited and Juno soundtracks for introducing me to them. It may be English, but desperately telling someone, "For Christ's sake have a cup of tea," is my type of religious posturing.

Second off, this blog is going to be written in three sections. The first will be random thoughts I've had in the last month since I derailed John Edwards' campaign because I wanted a delicious meatball; the second will be me explaining why I've decided every Democrat everywhere is an idiot; and the third will be gads of movie reviews for movies most of you haven't heard of let alone seen--I'll try to keep them as current and topical as possible.

Third off, with three sections, this blog will be long. I recommend you print it and carry it around in your back pocket, reading it on bus stops and trains while you go about your business. Also, I would like you to question what mistakes you've made in your life that you rely on buses and trains as means of transit. For shame!

Section One: Random Thoughts--Hooray!

I'm not sure what my problem is lately, but I have faced a serious lack of motivation in almost every area of my life. I do a decent job at work, but I don't do as well as I know I can. I haven't worked on my Great American Novel in over a month. I tried to start a short story and quit after one short paragraph. I began a workout plan only to quit one week later (with a little help from a soul-crushing cough). I haven't read more than three pages in either of the two books I'm reading in six days. On a plus note, I completed my taxes last night. My Federal return will cover what I owe the State, so that's nice. That's my government working for me.

I don't really miss TV, but at the same time, I do really miss TV. When real shows were on, I knew what I liked and watched accordingly. In these last few weeks I've found myself migrating back towards American Gladiators and WWF Monday Night Raw. What's strange is Hulk Hogan now hosts American Gladiators while the old host of the old school American Gladiators now interviews people on WWF Monday Night Raw. In addition, I have advice for anyone ever on Deal or No Deal-Take the God Damn deal. What the hell is your problem?

I told my Ladyfriend that during my toast at our impending wedding I plan to say, "And while my new wife and I spend the night intercoursing, we will be thinking of each and every one of you." She said no. On the plus side, she's still going to marry me.

My Brother got a job. Working. Anyone who says the current economy prevents people from getting jobs has no idea what they are talking about.

I learned tonight that sitting in front of the television for two hours watching "The Biggest Loser" doesn't actually cause any weight loss. It doesn't seem right; all the contestants have worked so hard.

Mediacom may be the worst company on the planet. I went in to trade in my Internet box the other day because I had cancelled my cable and this required some sort of new Internet box. I don't know why. Neither did Mediacom. I think they do this to make sure and annoy as many people as they can. A small mouse look-alike behind the counter, who I've had run-ins with before, was being very rude to the customer in the line next to me. She shouldn't have even acknowledged the other customer, so I said, "You know what, rather than trade the Internet box, I'm going to cancel my Mediacom subscription outright." She looked at me like she was going to cry and said, "But I'll have to back out of these screens and start all over." I then said, "Oh if that's the case, I wouldn't want you to do any work while you are on the clock at work. Forget that. Let's trade in the box, and also while I'm at it, upgrade to your most expensive package. I feel so bad for almost causing you to click CTRL+B six times." I then invited her over for supper and it turns out she's a very nice woman with three kids who still finds time to volunteer at the local Humane Society. Actually, in an act of complete maturity I said, "Whoopdee doo, maybe next time you'll actually treat people with respect." The statement was Slightly Morisette Ironic I know, but the Mediacom office brings out a mean side in me.

I heard a blowhard on ESPN Radio the other day read an article that he said, "Many of you are going to be mad at this." He went on to say "good media" is an article or story that makes you mad and makes you think. I think this sums up in a nutshell why ESPN has become the worst network on television. In my definition "good media" is media that lets the reader/viewer know facts about an event that occurred. I didn't realize the media actually existed to sensationalize stories.

On that note, every single columnist who reported three minutes after Heath Ledger's death that, "Heath Ledger found dead, possibly drug related," should be sued and sued hard by every member of Heath Ledger's family. I get that in the instant news world, every site felt compelled to complete a fictional instant autopsy, but this was ridiculous. "He had a rolled up twenty dollar bill, which police are testing for drugs." Next day, "The rolled up twenty dollar bill turned out to be just that, a rolled up twenty dollar bill." I read a report two days ago that he might actually have died of natural causes, if that's the case, Ledger family, release the lawyers.

I'm not one for frivolous lawsuits, but why is it doctors get sued for generally trying to help everyone, corporations get sued (eh, I'm okay with that so never mind), but the media just gets to keep on keeping on. "Libel and slander is too hard to prove in court; it's hard to prove a circumstantial statement false." "Our founding fathers wanted freedom of press."

Little known fact-"freedom of press" comes about in what they call "an amendment." This means it wasn't in the actual "Constitution," but rather, added later. That means we could "amend" "laws" again and say that, "people who report erroneously over and over again (we're looking at you Fox News" lose their media certificate.

This would be fun because we'd be able to hand out media certificates!

Section Two: Politics, aka Dumb Democrats and Romney'ed Republicans

Since most of you probably fall into one of the following two categories...

1) You actually care about politics and think the people running for political office are good people that want to make a difference in our country. Thus you don't like it when I decide who I'm voting for via systems based on meatballs, bumper stickers, or icy sidewalks. Also, you've convinced yourself the three following systems still work: Caucuses/Primaries; Electoral Colleges; Republican Conservatism

2) You don't care about any of the candidates or the election for President because the NFL Superbowl is coming up! Go Patriots! Will they or won't they finish undefeated? Poor Packers.

...I'll try to keep my political preaching short. Now keep in mind I said I'd try, not that I will. I'm all about the effort, not necessarily the follow through result.

Registering Democratic was the damn dumbest decision (alliteration is fun) die dever did. One month ago they had this election all but won. Seriously, has a president not named Richard Nixon disenfranchised America more than G Dub?

(Actually yes, Lincoln did too, but I think history proved him right)
((Hey maybe history will prove George W son of George HW right too))
(Just like LBJ?)
((Oh good point))

With that disenfranchisement came a mid-term election where the Democratic Party came sweeping back after the John Kerry plastic face debacle and took back power. All they had to do with this presidential election is come out with some sort of unified front. They could come out and say things like, "My opponent, Mr. Obama, is a well-qualified candidate." "Why thank you Ms. Clinton, I respect your views, no matter how different they are from mine."

Instead, they say things like, "I'm down with the dark meat." "Bitch please, you women are crazy!" I wanted to vote Democratic, I really did, but when you see the major candidates acting like three kids on vacation who want to ride the same ride but sit in slightly different seats and then one of them starts crying and the other starts making personal attacks all while the most realistic and likable of the three children gets ignored because his hair looks a little too nice and his suits a little too pricey for his disheveled parents--it sort of makes me wonder if the party knows what the hell it's doing. Sure, strategically ending the strategy free war and ending corporate lobbying (editor's question: but then what will happen to big tobacco?) make sense on paper, but then again, so did "Ending Terror" six years ago.

Here's the fundamental problem with being smart--you can't vote Democratic because you'd feel stupid, and you can't vote Republican because you're smart. As much fun as it would have been to have New York Mayor president, as I type it looks like his chances are officially nil. Good. No Yankees fans should be President. Should Red Sox fans? As long as their name is not Mit, maybe. As much fun as a Dem/Rep debate between Mit and Hil would be:

"I'm going to fix everything!" Mit
"Me too! Just like my husband!" Hil
"How do you plan to do this?" America
"By fixing everything!" Mit and Hil

I completely understand why Mit is rich and successful: he tells everyone exactly what they want to hear. Good job little minion.

Whatever happened to Iowa's chosen one: Mr. Huckabee? Did the Chuck Norris campaign wear out in states where people watch television programs other than Walker, Texas Ranger?

As of now, my vote is wide open. I won't vote for Mit. I won't vote for Hil. I'm pretty confident McCain's body will have begun rigor mortis by then. The Wrestlemania fan in me loves the idea of an Obama vs. Osama main event. Edwards, Huckster, and Giuls seem finished. I hate the environment so whatever crazy wackjob the Green party sends out there won't work. Maybe I'll write in my father. He's taught me a lot about lesbians and when to listen to them (never), when to swear at the dinner table (also never), and when to drink alcohol (always).

That wasn't so bad now was it?

Section Three: Movie Reviews

Let me explain a little bit about me. I like movies. I like movies a lot. Subsequently, I see a lot of movies. I had a goal in a past life to watch all the AFI Top 100 movies. Literally two weeks after I finished this list, they announced a tenth anniversary edition of the list. This meant I now had thirty more movies I had to watch. Yes, I had to. On top of that, I try to watch all the Oscar nominees each year, while filling in any other movie time with everything else. Because of this, my tastes have grown quite eclectic and I'm the only person I know that can say I watched the first "talkie" Jazz Singer followed it up with Sophie's Choice and then ended my entertainment consumption with WWF Monday Night Raw.

Anyways, I'm going to attempt to review several movies in one or two sentences. If all works out well you shouldn't have to know anything about the movie to understand the review/comment. I've decided to rate how many shiny nickels the movie made me want to donate to orphans.

Spartacus: A movie with a bunch of half naked men with flat-tops planning a revolution against half naked men in bed sheets, ending with a nice homage to the Bible. Three shiny nickels!

Cabaret: The daughter of the chick from Wizard of Oz acting crazy, aborting babies, and falling in love with bi-sexual Nazi sympathizers. Way better than it sounds. Three more shiny nickels!

Sophie's Choice: Mind-boggingly depressing tale of an Anglo-American woman with a German accent having to choose between Kevin Kline and the evil art curator from Ghostbusters 2. She also had to choose something else too, but I can't remember what. Out of guilt, sixteen shiny nickels!

Jazz Singer: For all the hype, this first "talkie" had less than two minutes of synchronized dialogue. Still I like movies that feel like Vaudeville. Three shiny nickels!

Intolerance: On the first AFI list director DW Griffiths had on it a movie he called, "Birth of a Nation." BoaN was about how the Klu Klux Klan should come and get rid of all these now free slaves that are ruining the country. Confused why people called him a worthless bigot, DW responded with Intolerance, a 3.5 hour silent movie showing the horrible misunderstandings intolerance creates. If any of you have a spare 3.5 hours, I would recommend doing almost anything but watching this movie. Sorry orphans, you owe me six shiny nickels!

Top Gun: Anyone who has ever told me, "Top Gun is a great movie," please shoot yourself. Easily one of the most pointless movies ever created. It probably doesn't help the star of the movie has now become a complete lunatic, but it also didn't help the movie was stupid. Orphans, you now owe me a net fourteen shiny nickels.

Palm Beach Story and Hail the Conquering Hero: Both these non-descript nothing special movies earned a shiny nickel each.

The Greatest Moment: This movie, from director Preston Sturges (whose other six movies I saw were excellent) was a "comedy" about the invention of anesthesia. You read that correctly. You know what's never really all that funny, no matter how many times you tell the joke? That joke about the invention of anesthesia. For that, I'm taking back one of those shiny nickels.

Nashville: Robert Altman, who, like Heath Ledger, recently died, was the second most overrated director to ever live (behind Stanley Kubrick of course; David Lynch is third). However, unlike Mash, Nashville is actually a decent movie if only because it includes the creepy neighbor from the Burbs dressed up like the people on the Grand Ole Opry. The moral: People aren't as scary when they sing country music instead of kill innocent people. Two shiny nickels!

Juno: The only best picture candidate I walked away from thinking, "Wow, an above average movie." I now owe a net eight shiny nickels.

Atonement: If we can't nominate the best candidates for president, why should we nominate good movies for best picture? This isn't just a terrible candidate for movie's highest prize, but it might be one of the worst movies I've ever seen. It was so dull I think my skull actually cracked. I think this because as the movie went on I became more and more okay with the idea of killing myself. I hear this happens when skull fragments invade the brain. I hear this from doctors. The orphans now owe me exactly fifty shiny nickels. Not only do their parents not love them; not only are they a dredge on society; but now they owe me some decent change.

There Will Be Blood: Take out twenty five minutes or so, and this would be a candidate for one of my favorite movies ever. Instead, I left mildly entertained and confused as to why the pursuit of oil always makes people so evil. One shiny nickel. Orphans still down 49.

Catch and Release: When the highest praise you can give a movie is, "Kevin Smith's fat character was funny," you know it's worth watching. Fuck, Kevin Smith ate an orphan!

Good Luck Chuck: Soft-core Porn + Dane Cook + Jessica Alba staying clothed = Jesus Hates Me? Jessica Alba owes me nudity and orphans owe me three more nickels.

The Ten and Hot Rod: Obscure comedy done right makes me happy. I now owe orphans six shiny nickels!

Eagle Vs. Shark: Obscure comedy done wrong does not. Minus three shiny nickels.

3:10 to Yuma: I'm just glad Christian Bale didn't kill any of his costars in this movie. This awesome awesome movie. Plus seven shiny nickels.

The Ex: What happens when you take the guy from Scrubs and the dad from Arrested Development and put them in a movie pining over the girl from Whole Nine Yards? I don't know. I stopped paying attention fifteen minutes in. Minus eleven shiny nickels.

Sunshine: A sci-fi movie from the director of 28 Days Later. Good for forty five minutes; bad for forty five minutes. Literally no impact at all on the shiny nickels.

The Heartbreak Kid: Ben Stiller made a movie where lots of bad things happened to him while he tried to fall in love. Cough cough. I think I just ate a shiny nickel.

The General: A silent movie where Buster Keaton gets involved in hijinx on a train (called the General) trying to save his ladyfriend from those evil Union soldiers. If anything, it proves people before 1930 had absolutely no idea what was funny. In 1930 a shiny nickel could buy you a bag of tootsie pops and a beer at the local grocer. Too bad orphans don't have time machines. It's also too bad the orphans still owe me roughly forty some shiny nickels.

Swing Time: Watching Fred Astaire made me want to tap dance. Reserve two nickels for my orphaned masculinity.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf: If anyone says, "Have you seen the classic movie from the fifties called 'insert movie here?'" If you answer, "Is that the one where all they do is yell at each other the whole time and ends on a dour, ambiguous note?" their answer will always be, "Yes, that's the one." I'll take four shiny nickels off the orphans' total.

In the Heat of the Night: Sidney Poiter in a movie about racial misunderstanding? What a novel idea! Not a bad movie though. I just noticed all the orphans are white and wear patched up clothes. My imaginary orphans are stereotypes of Dickens' novels! That and they still owe me thirty three shiny nickels.

12 Angry Men: Henry Fonda, while on this earth you blessed us with sometimes attractive Jane, always high Peter, and this movie, which is great. Kudos sir, kudos. The nickel count is now + six for the orphans.

A Night at the Opera: Groucho Marx really and truly is the funniest man to ever walk the Earth. However, he wouldn't want me to give any nickels to orphans; he'd rather I keep it. Thus, while a good movie, it still managed to cause a swing in the nickel count to negative fifteen.

Do the Right Thing: Spike Lee's best movie. I'll give anyone all the nickels that have been thrown around in this careless contest with the orphans if you can guess what the major theme of the movie is. Here's a clue: Rac*al Tens*on. I don't want to be accused of racism, so I refuse to give any nickels to anyone in this case.

Blade Runner: A sci-fi movie with the ambiance of a 1940's detective movie starring Indiana Jones. Clearly it's good. Good enough to get the orphans out of the hole? Ha. Orphans in a hole, that's a great idea. And no, they still owe me three nickels.

Gentleman's Agreement: The dad from To Kill A Mockingbird doesn't kill any rabid dogs in this movie. Instead he masquerades around New York as a Jew exposing how many Christians judge those who are different and act superior to others. Can you believe that? Hollywood sure does get some crazy ideas for its fiction. We're at negative two nickels going into the stretch!

Sunrise: Aaah the 1920's. An era where you could be asked by your secret lover to kill your wife, then take your wife out on a boat and get up to knock her out of the boat and drown her only to rethink it and sit back down, then have your wife forgive you five minutes later and proceed to have a great day with you in Chicago. Then your wife falls out of the boat on the way home and appears to drown and when your secret lover shows up thinking you did it for her you choke her and almost kill her, only to stop. Don't worry though, she forgives you too, because above all she just wanted you to be happy and when your wife shows back up you are! I ask this: Why can't a man almost kill two women in one day nowadays and be forgiven? I tell you, this country is on a downward spiral.

After adding it all up (or guessing), I'll say the orphans and I broke even. That way I don't have to find a shiny nickel or an even shinier orphan.

And with that, the longest blog ever shall draw to a close. For those curious, I've opened the blog back up to anonymous comments. I thought by forcing registration people would own up to their comments, but alas, it was not to be.