Top Ten Ridiculous Songs of Nonsense

I'll admit, my last couple of blogs have been a wee bit preachy. They've dealt with subjects that most people don't want to talk about because they deal with natural inherent differences that people in South Carolina decide to get worked up about when they're not worshiping Jefferson Davis and/or protesting on nice fall days. It occurred to me yesterday while walking my dog through the rundown slums of the QC that the music I have on my iPod is rife with ridiculous lyrics. As I sit here on a Sunday morning unable to sleep because I didn't drink enough last night I thought I'd point out some lyrics while violating all applicable copyright laws. Good sentence.

Without further adoing this whole situation, let us sing and dance:

10) "Typewriter (Tip Tip Tip)" by Asha Bhosie and Kisore Kumar. This entire ditty consists of an Indian guy shouting, "Typewriter!" at the top of his lungs and an Indian female following it up with saying, "Tip Tip Tip." That's it. The whole four minutes and thirty seven seconds of the song is an impersonation of a typewriter. This is further proof people should eat beef.

9) "I'll Be Missing You" by Puff Daddy. Sting is one of the worst lyricists of his generation, and that's saying something. If you don't believe me, listen to Roxanne. It's such an awful song that it has the power to invalidate every other song he's ever written, sang, performed, covered, thought about, dreamt about, listened to while eating, listened to while driving, hummed while peeing, had sex to, and/or can be associated with via six degrees of Kevin Bacon. Puff Daddy got his big break by milking his big friend's premature death. He immediately went from backup singer to big-time mogul and it all started with this cover of this Sting song. What's great is that thinking of his friend's death gives him a lot of strenf to go on. It has led me to make the following promise: When my close friends and family members die prematurely and I'm trying to leverage their deaths for my own personal gain, I will enunciate.

8) Radiohead's Entire Library. I don't know why I have all of Radiohead's songs. I probably legally acquired them from my college roommate who himself legally acquired them from friends and strangers across the globe. Either way, why do I have them? Why when I try to delete them do I get a cryptic message that says, "Error X: Files in use." Files? As in plural? Are these songs slowly destroying my computer. Has the Apple MacBook finally found a weakness? Is it pretentious college rock that pretends to be meaningful? Take that Steve Jobs!

7) "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2. We should have kicked Bono out of the celebrity club the minute he said, "This is not a revolution song," only to follow up with not one, not two, but an entire catalog of revolution songs. I remember reading a quote from a message board, the most reliable source for awesomeness, from a U2 fan who said, and I paraphrasely quote: "U2 is like, so deep, that I love that most people just think Bono's singing about what his words say, only the jokes on them. He's always singing about so much more." No.

6) "Umbrella" by Rihanna. Remember when hip hop was a form of expression for those from the street? When they weren't being heard, they rose up and started to shout angrily to the man. Only the shouts were accompanied by dope beats, pumping bass, mysoginism, encouragement of excessive drug use, and death threats to rivals. It was similar to how the hippies originally got their point across by lazily strumming guitars and singing about white rabbits and eskimoes named Quinn and wooly bulliess and sugar sugar. Now, hip hop has regressed to half naked women singing about how they aren't capable of protecting themselves and need a man to act as an umbrella to make sure they don't crash in the rain because they are bad drivers. Very very bad drivers. Or something like that.

5) "Give Peace a Chance" by John Lennon. If you want me to sign on for some left-wing crazy ideas like "Peace" and "Chance" maybe you shouldn't borrow Pink Floyd's creepy singing background children.

4) "I Want it All" by O-Town. I know everyone loves the lead singer of O-Town now because he had that reality show on the MTV about desperately wanting to be a superstar again after O-Town didn't last past ever. We really bought into his comeback attempt and found the fact he mistreated his 17-year old pregnant fiance cute. And man, what a successful comeback, he's all over the place now. He might be the next Sinatra. Anyways, the song itself is the only song I know that actually tries to pass off the same word sung in consecutive sentences, as a rhyme:

"I want it all!"
"Or NOTHING at all!"

That's not a rhyme. O-Town, I miss you so.

3) "MMM MMM MMM MMM" by Crash Test Dummies. To this day, I don't understand why a song about Campbell's Soup includes lyrics about girls with chicken pox and other children picked on and socially abused. That doesn't sound (MMM MMM) good to me and certainly doesn't make me want to procure any of the fine condensed soups Cambell's has to offer.

2) "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton. Next time, close your window and quit your damn whining.

1) "Mr. Wendal" by Arrested Development. Cute song. It's by a bunch of pre-grunge early 90's hippies that sing about how we should value everyone because we all have our own knowledge to give. The lead singer illustrates this point by pointing out he learned more from a hobo he gave two dollars to (so said hobo could buy shoes) than his fancy college. He goes on to say that two dollars may not mean that much to us, but it means a great deal to the hobo. I have several issues with this. One, where the hell can you buy a two dollar pair of shoes? The Baby Gap? Second, what type of knowledge does a guy who sits on a street corner have to give out.

I live in a state that, aside from having the sexiest fifth grade teacher out there, consistently ranks as one of the most well-educated. Not that any state south of the Mason-Dixon line realistically competes. I also live downtown in a city that has a few hobos that ask me for rides to foot clinics. Thus, using the transitive property, I live in a city that has some of the most well-educated hobos anywhere on the planet. I can safely say none of these guys have anything worth saying for two dollars. Sure, my two dollars could possibly help them drive their families that happen to be locked in a car just over the hill that doesn't exist back home to INSERT STATE HERE, but I really doubt I would gain any substantial knowledge in return. Though I might learn where in town I could buy the cheapest 40 ounce bottles of liqueur.