You know what's pathetic? In my daily routine of checking my favorite websites, I actually throw my own blog in to see if it has been updated. I have the ego to feel slightly disappointed when I see the same blog on the same site for a few weeks without an update. After promising different people updates over the last couple of weeks, I thought I better make an honest man out of me. As you can imagine, with such a long layoff, I have been bombarded with all sorts of Questions, Comments, and Concerns from Real Readers, just like yourself. I thought I'd bypass creativity and simply respond to the responses:
I once wrote a blog protesting abortion protesters. It garnered this response from someone named Random whose profile tells me they are an accountant in Afganistan:
"People should not be able to "play God." Thus, they should never get to take the life of another human being. People are born gay, they should be able to have the same rights as everyone else. At the very least be able to adopt a child and save them from the destruction which straight couples who should never be able to reproduce inflict on them, thus creating more people who should not reproduce."
Two things: First, your last sentence makes no sense to me. Not in a, "I disagree with you" way, but in a, "Huh? Did you read that before posting?" way. Second, I'd like to congratulate you on coming up with the worst possible argument against abortion other than, "Vaginas (sidenote, spell check says pluralized vagina is incorrect. is it vagini?) are nowhere to store coats." Playing God? We have two systems entirely based on Playing God, maybe you've heard of them: Science and Commerce. Artificially inseminating is oppo abortion, but my guess is most feel that's okay. We have eye doctors helping the blind(ish) people see. We have Nike shoes helping people run on water(y days). We have all but healed lepercy. Ray guns cause people to evaporate in thin air, just like the Rapture! Pancakes exist. Honest to goodness, how the hell does a liquid batter become so fluffy and delicious? Point is, pancakes are delicious and the only real argument against abortion is that if someone is pregnant and can't spend nine selfless months carrying a child to give away for adoption then they are incredibly selfish and probably addicted to nicotine. I've only met one person who lost their virginity before knowing the consequences of intercoursing. Me, at age three. You do the hump, you grow the bump.
I also intended to write a blog about corporate bathroom behavior but never did. I responded to it anyway:
"Why doesn't anyone find the sounds of people's bowel movements funny in corporate bathrooms?"
Well me, that's a very good question. One I ask myself several times a day. At my new engineering job there is a fountain pop machine two floors below me. This means I get to fill giant 32 oz. Styrofoam cups with delicious ice water five times a day (twice before, twice after, and once during lunch--if you're curious). Because of this, I pee an exorbitant amount. Between getting up for water and getting up to pee, it's amazing I get anything done at all. In addition, the office I work in is incredibly stuffy. It's as if Jesus himself found 400 people whose goal it was to sit quietly in cubicles all day and then stuck them sitting quietly in cubicles all day. We all dress up real nice and act real professional and smile when we're supposed to and act serious and cordial and secretly all of us want to hit our heads against our desks but we don't because that would make too much noise. As we all try to outdress and outact our coworkers, there is one universal room where we all have to grunt and act like cavemen-the bathroom. Now to me, someone who refuses to poop at work because that's gross, hearing other people struggle with their bowels is amusing. To be straight, I don't find fart jokes or shit humor amusing at all. But when I'm taking my seventh piss of the day, and the guy down the stall from me sounds as if he's shooting shit lasers at mice, I can't help but want to giggle. I don't of course. If I'm not supposed to speak above a whisper at my desk, I certainly shouldn't giggle at the ass sounds of others.
I then asked myself a follow up question, "What are your thoughts on bathroom etiquette?"
Again, I applaud your line of questioning. Here's the way I see it. If your pants are off or your or my penie is hanging out we shouldn't talk to each other unless we are directly related. I certainly have no interest in hearing about your Thanksgiving plans while I'm pretending to wash my hands and your casually sitting on the john making noises that would fit in a 1970's disaster movie. Also, if you and I have never said anything to each other, please don't introduce yourself with dongs a dangling. That's just not good business.
"What are your thoughts on the Barry Bond's steroid controversy?"
Who cares? It's just another example of our conservative government spending all their time fighting a senseless war against San Francisco.
"That's too bad about Sean Taylor's, Joe Kennedy's and Donda West's unfortunate deaths that are dominating the headlines eh?
Who are they? Are they brave soldiers that fought in Iraq? Heroes? Obviously anyone's death is tragic, but if they are dominating headlines they must be important.
"They are a pro football player, a pro baseball player, and a mother of a rapper."
Oh. Let's just move on.
"Who are you voting for in the upcoming election?
Not Mit Romney?
"Why not?"
Three reasons. One. His religion is based around the reading of magic stones inside of a hat. Two. His name is Mit. President's first names should not be synonyms for handwear. Three. There is a scene in Smallville Season one where Clark Kent and Lex Luthor are volunteering at a nursing home. Clark shakes some old woman's hand and the woman gets a vision of his future. Since he grows up to be Superman, his future is pretty noble. His arch-enemy Lex on the other hand--not so good. She gets an image of Lex standing in the oval office wearing a slick suit and a white glove. In front of him is a large red button that we, the audience, is to take as the button the President presses when he wants to drop the bombs. You know, the one Bush pressed September 12th. The vision moves forward and Lex is later standing in a large field surrounded by dead bodies still in the slick suit and white glove. My point? If Mit's elected, he'll press the button.
A message from Dad over Thanksgiving: "Don't listen to lesbians."
Duly noted.
"What are your thoughts on Unions?"
Everyone at every level should be in them. I never thought this way when working for Big Red (because of the brainwashing), but now that I receive trickle down benefits from the UAW, I love them. I work around six days a year. In addition, the ongoing writer's strike in Hollywoodland makes me realize that Unions might be the greatest invention ever. The way I see it: the writers of about five shows should be striking--The Office; Heroes; Lost; Grey's Anatomy; and Ugly Betty. Why? Because these shows are actually purchased on DVD and downloaded on the Internet. Thus the argument the writers aren't getting added royalties makes sense for them to be bitchy about. However, they aren't the only people griping. The writers of Cavemen are on strike. Cavemen. These people should feel fortunate to have any job at all doing anything, and yet they strike for royalties they will never earn? Unions, join one now.
"Hulk Hogan's divorce...thoughts?"
I long ago (July to be exact) gave up on caring about pro wrestler's real lives.
"What are your thoughts on the early Oscar nominees?"
I've seen one...No Country for Old Men. It is terrible. That's not entirely true. Like all Coen Brother movies (save for Big Lebowski) it's good for the first 3/4 of the movie, then takes an unnecessary pretentious twist, and falls flat on its face. Each year a movie like this comes along where critics feel obligated to like it because it's different and it's bland. The first critic sees the movie and writes a positive review. All the other critics read this review and don't want to be accused of "not getting it," so they write positive reviews too. The next thing you know, the Queen is nominated for an Oscar even though not one person in what I call "reality" enjoyed it. What makes No Country so damn frustrating is for an hour and forty five minutes it is awesome and feels like it's building to an awesome conclusion. Then it becomes the Tommy Lee Jones is old and hasn't had a hit movie since the Fugitive show. Stupid.
"You seem to have a lot of opinions that I agree with and are seldom wrong. Where can I send you positive emails?"
"I like to post negative things on your blog because I'm like a fourteen year old who revels in the anonymity of a keyboard. Do you have a blog email address I can send mail from my fake email account to?"
I do; it's brand new: iagreewithallthefactsyousay@gmail.com (editor's note: that's an actual email address)
"When will you start to update your blog more frequently?"
Thursday of Never.
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