Missouri and Gay Wizards

I don't like the following blog. It's dull, and I can't seem to get it to work an any sort of capacity. However, I wrote it and don't feel like deleting it. Thus, here it is. If you find it boring, if you hate it with all your heart, I both understand and agree.

Right now, I sit in a hotel in a small Missouri town Chillicothe, MO. I type the name Chillicothe (pronounced however you may feel) because Chillicothe is a very fun name to type, say, and hopefully read. I've found any solo trip to Missouri, the Midwest's Arkansas, generally results in some sort of entertaining story. Thus during the drive I kept a running diary on my tape recorder I planned to type as soon as I got to the hotel. Unfortunately the diary is very boring all while pointing out just how boring it is. Sort of like this paragraph, which itself is very boring.

I also planned to write about my trip to the Chillicothe, MO Wal-Mart last night, which was both spectacular and horrifying. Every patron I saw but one had some sort of obesity coupled with tight clothing. The one person who did not suffer from obesity suffered from crippling gingivitis, anorexia, and possibly scurvy. She too however wore clothing too tight-a belly shirt that was far too much belly for this writer's taste. I made the rounds at Wal-Mart, observing three mamas shouting at their crying children in beautifully eloquent MO speak. One mama had a papa saying, "Aah shit, he ain't gon git what he want with that attitude. Let's leave him at Wal-Mart." And thus, somewhere a Wal-Mart business executive thought of a new staffing strategy.

When I finally decided to check out from this wonderful store, which totally redeemed the retail world for me, I thought that the one normal person in all of MO stood behind me in line. An older gentleman, smiling, dressed in a pressed shirt and khaki pants-he seemed kind. That is until he smiled a little TOO big when the above papa threatened to leave his crying child at Wal-Mart. He then moved a little TOO close to me in line which caused his smile to bleed into his eyes. The smiling eyes then looked the cashier up and down. The cashier did not notice. The smiling eyes then looked me up and down. I noticed. At first I thought he might be looking me up and down because of my wardrobe-a Red Sox sweatshirt, khaki pants, and flip flops. Then he started to fixate his eyes on my nether regions, and I decided to leave Wal-Mart hastily.

Unfortunately that, and possibly the gas station clerk who told me when I checked out, "I think something bit my face," are the only two borderline interesting stories I had when I got to my hotel last night. Hardly worth wasting time talking about. Thus, a disappointing blog that I don't endorse.

However, I did wake up to a little bit of news that I wanted to comment on. Namely, Dumbledore being outed as gay by JK Rowling.

Here's the thing, Dumbledore is not gay. Flipping it, Dumbledore is not straight. In seven books Dumbledore did not ever once give off the vibes of a sexual being. Besides, he's a magician and if Republicans have taught us anything, a little witchcraft can cure gay. He's not gay because CHARACTERS DO NOT EXIST OUTSIDE OF THE VERY PAGES AND/OR MOVIES IN WHICH THEY APPEAR. I love the Royal Tenenbaums. I love it to an unhealthy degree. I watch at least a half hour, if not the whole movie, once a week. I never sit around and think to myself, "I wonder what Royal is doing now (the answer would be nothing, he's dead)." Because the only time Royal Tenenbaum existed was for the wonderful hour and forty eight minutes the delightful movie plays. It's not real.

JK, who I will go on record as to say is much much smarter than any of us can ever hope to be, needs to realize that. She has already stated what some of the characters are up to now that her series are over. Wrong. Her characters are over. The fantasy world she existed in does not exist concurrently with ours, where she can just peak in and say, "Oh Harry has taken a job with a small manufacturing firm."

JK can really say whatever she wants about her characters; they're her characters. What bugs me about Dumbledore being gay (aside from the fact that no parents protested sending their children to a school with a gay headmaster-what if he turned them all gay with MAGIC!) isn't how she said his "homosexuality motivated his actions throughout the series." Wait. Hold on. Those who are gay are just like us who enjoy the pain-free schtupping. Homo/hetero sexuality can't possibly motivate us to have our Dark Arts teacher kill us in order to motivate a small boy we were never forthright with to kill a dark wizard in the middle of a magic school surrounded by giants, snakes, and chimeras. Warning, I just typed spoilers.

No, what bothers me about the situation is that it is clearly just an attempt to try and rouse up controversy in hopes that it brings tolerance. She is manipulating the fact she created arguably the most famous characters since Mickey Mouse and Superman to artificially get an agenda across. It's reminiscent of the 1940's comic books with Superman taking out caricatured "Nazis and Japs" while pleading with his readers to buy war bonds. I would have zero problem with Dumbledore being gay. Hell, my brother is gay. I just think it is cowardly of JK to bring up what she knows is a controversial character trait AFTER the fact she made billions of dollars and broke untold records. Seems a little forced to me.