Aborting Abortion Protestors aka Why Buy What You Can Get For Free

America is an interesting place. I spent all last night handing out candy to small children dressed in costumes. How did this tradition start? How did a society anywhere decide, "Hey Sharon, let's dress up little Peter here in a Spiderman costume, give him a sack and go ask for candy." "Great idea Azir, but maybe we should have little Cindy join him, dressed up as a dead nurse." "That's why I love you Sharon." "I love you too Azir." However, as a former fat kid and current fat adult, the root of the tradition, free candy, is one I adore. I'm willing to squeeze into spandex and/or a bra once a year just to get Skittles from strangers.

Halloween isn't the only bizarre aspect of our society. Have you noticed that we now pay for everything we once got and could still get for free? Five things in particular are the worst violators of the "Ha ha, we're charging you now suckers" disease:

1) Radio-has become XM Radio or Sirius. I now have over 100 channels to hear the same forty pop songs played over and over again. Luckily though I have a channel that plays those songs in spicy Spanish, so the world is good.

2) Water is now bottled so we can get charged for a one-time use plastic bottle which is seldom recycled. I have a feeling my children will grow up in homes without faucets.

3) Coffee is no longer complimentary with pancakes, but is $1.50 for cold sludge leftover from the bar crowd the night before.

4) ATMs now double charge people imaginary fees even though the ATMs existence has allowed for banks to cut teller staffs in half. Do you realize someone who makes minimum wage could go to Chicago and actually have to use over an hour of pay just to access his/her money?

5) Abortions. See below.

Sunday, I drove from one destination to another in my automobile. Upon driving around a curve, I could see some people with placards in the distance. I thought to myself, "Oh neat, I wonder what cause these people are on the side of the road championing today?" I thought of the bleak political candidates and how maybe they were in town again, pretending Iowa mattered. I thought maybe they were protesting the war, even though pretty much every person of note can go on record as saying it's been a bad idea and nothing will happen. I thought maybe they are letting people know how great of a movie the Darjeeling Limited is and that everyone should see it. I knew it couldn't be anything too controversial because there were clearly children standing with signs next to their half-retarded parents.

The signs had three phrases, all original: 1) Jesus loves and forgives. 2) Abortion is murder. 3) Random Bible Verse. Now, since we all know abortion has been all over the news lately, what with America asking Britney's Mom why she didn't get an abortion way back when, this seemed like a completely appropriate protest rally to hold on a random Sunday afternoon on a street that isn't even the busiest street in a town that is only the fourth or fifth largest in Iowa. Make a difference!

I have no problem with people who choose to stand outside with signs stating their opinions on controversial issues. That sentence was a complete lie. Protesters are idiots. There are usually three people who believe in the cause who guilt tripped a bunch of no confidence schmucks from their church and gym to waste an afternoon. The only way I'll ever buy into any protest or rally ever is if the following three conditions are met:

1) No one is sitting in lawn chairs with their placard lazily leaning against said chair. You're telling me you have enough passion to be outside with a group of similarly dressed, usually old and Baptist looking, people, but you can't stand for the whole three hours? What the hell kind of passion is that. I wish I were pregnant when I saw your ass sitting down because your sloth would have directly led to my aborted man fetus.

2) No children anywhere. As a rule, children shouldn't be protesting. I get the whole, "I created them, I can make them think whatever the hell I want because I feed them and give them $20 a week to do the laundry" argument. However, telling your kids what side of a never going to be solved argument they are on is stupid. I'm willing to bet $4.75 that over %80 of the children at the rally will experience the joys of premarital humping and the agony of three day late menstruations. You having your child at a protest rally isn't going to make me think, "Aah, look at the cute little brainwashed girl in the Jesus Lovez; Abortion Murderz shirt. I'm going to rethink everything about everything."

3) No posters of graphic pictures and/or props of graphic images. Abortion is controversial. It always will be. Even if it is made illegal, people will just do it the old fashioned way, in their basement with friends. However, standing on the side of the street with a picture of a fetus at the last point it is evidently legal to abort does not make me pro-life. It makes me think all babies are really ugly and quite frankly none of us should have them.

And another thing, what the hell is with calling one group pro-life and the other pro-choice. Do people who value life not like making the occasional choice? Do people who choose amongst alternatives also want everyone they meet to die? Why not call them what they really are: People who understand that private matters should stay private and people who don't.

Let's give the following situation. I've changed a few words to not have negatively connotated words skew your opinion before I tell you what your opinion should be. A young woman has sexual relations of a penetratal nature with a young man, two years her elder. A few weeks later the young woman realizes that inside of her is a small life, similar to a goldfish. The woman, who really just wants to get her license and maybe some new shoes doesn't necessarily want to have a baby right now, even though they are kind of cute. The young man recently left for college and doesn't remember the penetration because it's no longer cool to do so. She decides to go to the Fun Time Happy Clinic and have a Rainbow Time! You see, if it weren't for Rainbow Time! the small goldfish would grow up unloved and unfulfilled. This would lead the goldfish to a life where it constantly seeks satisfaction and approval from those around it. "Do you want to take drugs Goldfish whose parent's don't love you?" "Of course!" "Do you want to rob a bank?" "Of course!" "Should we shoot Mrs. Johnson for narcing our H deal?" "Yeah!" Now, because the young woman didn't go to Rainbow Time! Mrs. Johnson is dead.

But you are probably thinking to yourself, "Why couldn't the young woman just give up the baby instead of experiencing Rainbow Time!?" Well you see, this is where it gets tricky. I saw a protest once that had signs that said, "Marriage is between a man and a woman." "Gay marriage is wrong." "Random Bible Verse." and "No Babies=No Marriage." So the protesters won't let me put babies up for adoption because couples that can't have babies, which includes heterosexual couples because jackass close-minded bigots can't have it both ways, can't adopt. And the protestors won't let me go experience Rainbow Time! at the Fun Time Happy Clinic, so what do I do? What do I do?

I don't do anything. I drive right past the protesters, go home, turn on TV, turn off TV, turn TV back on, and watch some random show about remodeling. Then I eat a sandwich. I probably pee somewhere in there too. All in all, I care just as little about the hot button issues as I did before they made traffic slow down to the speed limit.