A Tale of Two Cities

I may or may not have mentioned before that my department directly dissects downtown straight down the income line. If I look out my window to the left I will see wandering about young businessmen in pin-striped suits and trendy women drinking coffee and eating high-carb pastries. If I look to my right I see people sitting on their steps drinking from paper bags and smoking more cigarettes than is probably necessary to fix their "nicotine" cravings.

Several blocks to the right of my apartment, in the midsts of crack dens, abandoned (in appearance but not by hobo) buildings, and bars with names like "Beer" and "Liquor" and my favorite "Beer and Liquor," there is a grocery store. This grocery store, Save-a-Lot, has a worn exterior that probably looked sharp when installed in 1954.

Several blocks to the left and a wee bit upward (you won't find me using north/south directions in this blog!) from my apartment and a few blocks down from a country club and immediately next to a Starbucks, there is another grocery store. This grocery store, which I frequent more out of convenience than anything, is called Schnucks. Schnucks overcharges on every item by about ten cents. Schnucks has a separate section for meat, fruit, and vegetables with what can only be described as mood lighting. Schnucks, possibly because of the previous two points, attracts a "higher income" consumer than does Save-a-Lot.

It is at this time I must explain to you two unrelated events that led to a decision involving both of my local grocers tonight. The first, while I cashiered today, a woman purchased 67 boxes of macaroni and cheese. She said it was for a picnic. I think she was lying. Regardless, I declared then and there that this night's supper would belong to macaroni and cheese and no one else. Unfortunately, I could not buy delicious macaroni and cheese on the way out of work because a) a woman bought 67 boxes of it earlier and there were none left and b) I left two hours early and thought purchasing dinner on the way out would make my sneaking out a wee bit obvious.

The second event is simple and not needing of elaboration-I mowed a lawn in 400 degree weather. After leaving My Lady's house after mowing her lawn, heh heh heh, I decided it was time to buy the macaroni and cheese I craved. However, being the efficient cat that I am, I did not want to go home, shower, and then go buy macaroni and cheese. No, I wanted to boil the water while I showered. I'm so smart.

I first drove to Schnucks. I then parked, stepped out of my car, stepped in my car, unparked, and left. I decided any grocery store with mood lighting probably shouldn't feature a sweat soaked, adorable man covered in grass. Curious to see what this Save-a-Lot grocery store looked like on the inside, I drove there.

Now, I can safely say with no exaggeration whatsoever that Save-A-Lot and its parking lot is the single greatest place on Earth ever. I pulled up covered in grass and sweat and probably was the third best dressed person there (the top two being a friendly couple in brand new athletic jerseys and mounds of bling). The first man I encountered, a wispy haired feller with no upper teeth told me he'd had a nice day. Unusual, but I told him I'd had one too. The man sitting next to him in his truck/home, asked me how I help pay for my children's growin' when I have a car like that. I told him it's simple, I don't have any children. The two men then started laughing, as if I told a zinger to end all zingers.

Once inside this grocery store, if we can call it that, I knew I would not find any of the finer Kraft macs and cheeses. All I could hope for was the same "100% Real Cheese" guarantee on the box. I love that guarantee because it can't possibly be true. Real Cheese isn't a fine powder that turns to liquid when heated.

Since this grocery store didn't have shelves, just boxes cut open and spread around the floor, it took me some searching, but finally I found it: Tony T's Macaroni and Cheese, complete with a money back guarantee! There was some inherent risk in purchasing this product, seeing as it appeared to be from 1984. Sure, it could just be an out of style logo, but it could also contain some tainted Real Cheese. I took the risk. After purchasing some unrefrigerated margarine from Coburn Farms, above whose logo it clearly states, "Keep Refrigerated," I walked towards the cashier.

Seeing as I cashiered all day, I figured her and I were kind of like brother and sister. I purchased my Tony T's, my Coburn Farms, and my Skittles (what's that? impulse buy!) and paid the entire 1.84 in Skittles. I made a joke about how it's sad the Skittles cost more than my supper, but my sister didn't find it that funny.

It's worth noting that the milk I eventually used (purchased at a seedy gas station two weeks ago) expired a day ago. I tell you all this not because I think you'll find it humorous or even borderline interesting. No, I write you this because, after doing the math, there is a 34% chance I will die in my sleep tonight just because I wanted to Save-a-Lot. If I do, don't give my organs to those in need, they don't deserve them. And please oh please, don't blame Save-a-Lot.