A Letter

Dear Market Pantry Customer Relations,

Recently I purchased one bottle of your Natural Spring Water on sale at Target for $.93. I purchased this product not because of the sale, but because on the side of the bottle in small but clear print it stated, "100% Satisfaction Guaranteed." I felt both thirsty and unsatisfied with my situation (as I'm sure you know, those two feelings often coincide) and found your water, if its claims true, to be just what my hypothetical doctor ordered.

I began drinking my water soon after purchase, while sitting through a presentation on adjectives. Upon completion, I felt better, my thirst quenched. However, something in my life still felt empty. I still experienced a void. I realized, much to my dismay, I was not and currently am not 100% satisfied. In fact, I felt only approximately 97% (rounded up of course) satisfied. I felt frustrated. After being guaranteed 100% satisfaction upon completion of the delicious Natural Spring Water and not receiving said satisfaction in kind, you'd be frustrated as well. The frustration lowered my overall satisfaction level to 96%.

Predictable as this may seem, I would like a refund on part of my $.93 purchase and punitive damages. Part you ask? Yes, part. Damages you say? Yes, damages. I considered simply asking you to pay 4% of $.93, making up for my lost satisfaction. This would only be $.04 (rounded up of course) and be very reasonable. Unfortunately, having guaranteed me satisfaction and not delivering, I feel you owe restitution on the residual moneys spent on three purchases I made in attempt to gain satisfaction:

First Purchase: The purchase of one, individually wrapped hard shell Taco at Taco Bell-$.99. The taco actually had absolutely no bearing on my satisfaction, but a failed attempt is still an attempt and is no less important.

Second Purchase: A cone of iced cream from a local creamery-$1.01. The iced cream, strawberry in flavor if you must know, gave me mild but fleeting satisfaction.

Third Purchase: Another bottle of Market Pantry Natural Spring Water-$.93. It took me approximately three fourths of the bottle to feel 100% satisfied (the law of diminishing marginal returns was in full effect!) but since there are not multiple sizes of the product available, I had to buy all 18 ounces and seek payment for all 18 of those ounces.

So, in addition to the $.04 I am owed on the original bottle, I would like $2.93 in damages. I ran errands after my meetings on adjectives and the purchases made were in my path of travel, so I don't think it would be fair to charge you for gas or wear and tear on my automobile.

If you find my claims unfair, know that my claims are direct results of your claim.

I will accept check or money order (sorry, no CODs). I look forward to receiving $2.97 from you soon. Know that even with this terrible experience, I still plan to enjoy Market Pantry Natural Spring Water for months to come. Only now I know what to expect!

Sincerely,

XXX XXXXXXX