Concert Traditions are Strange, Modest Mouse is Most Certainly Not

Tonight, My Brother, Myself, and My Brother's Short Italian Friend went to see the very awesome Modest Mouse in the fine city of Minneapolis, Minnesota. (if a cousin who lives in said city happens to read this, we're sorry we didn't call. we were in and out of the city just for the concert due to My Brother's schooling and my having to partake in business tomorrow-you understand) If you are unfamiliar with the band, you should immediately cease to be. They are incredible. A perfect mix of anger, guitars, and bass. Keep in mind, I don't understand music. I don't know what constitutes good music or bad music in the ear of critics and music snobs. What I do know, is Modest Mouse rocks my face off, and will rock yours off if given the chance.

Now that I have earned my three nickels for giving MM free advertising, let us move on to a few topics I simply do not understand, all in regards to concerts.

There are many a weirdo at concerts, too many to list. Three of them made a grand show of things tonight however, and I'd like to discuss a few of the weirdo types.

First, there are the Muscle Frat Rocker Studs. These are the guys that generally drink a case of beer before each show and then stand up and violently shake the entire show. They are uncontrollable balls of energy. Unfortunately, they aren't on beat and have generally no sense of what music is playing, but dammit, they are certainly a rockin' and rockin' hard. By far their best personality trait is their disregard for the swarms of humanity around them. If an MFRS shakes to the left and hits a teenage girl enjoying the show with her father, it's the girl's fault. If an MFRS spills his beer on you while you try to enjoy the show, well you shouldn't have bought the ticket for that seat. What were you thinking anyway? We could spend the rest of this entry debating the merits of violently shaking ones depleted brain back and forth for a two hour concert, but we should probably just move on.

The second type of weirdo is the Swayer. A fairly harmless subtype of weirdo, these people inexplicably stand at inopportune moments of the shows to merely sway (hence their categorization). Rarely do they stand right in front of you, so any annoyance they may create is left for another. What confuses me about the Swayers, is how everyone in attendance generally laughs at them. My favorite example from tonight being a guy who evidently enjoyed 4/20 a little too much and swayed back and forth during both opening acts and the music that played over the loudspeaker between acts. Now, this guy was with three or four friends. We knew he looked stupid. They had to know he looked stupid. Why didn't the friends say anything to him? Why are people allowed to sway aimlessly back and forth when embarrassment could easily be saved? Let it be known I'm not at all talking about the people who get up and actually dance to said music they paid too much to see, but rather the people who, in a drug induced stupor, have what equates to a standing coma.

Weirdo three is the "Hey Look at Me, I'm at a Concert" weirdo. These people often think they are the reason people paid to see the show. This is a unique subtype, as it itself can be broken down into two subtypes. Confusing, but follow along.

The first type of the third weirdo group, generally male, is the Shouter. The Shouter thinks it is his (or rarely, her) responsibility to respond to everything the lead singer has to say. If the lead singer isn't saying anything, well then the Shouter must update the crowd on his (or maybe, her) level of intoxication. After said shouting, the Shouter turns to his (or possibly, her) buddies and gives hi-fives, fist pounds, and loud whoops!

The second type of the third weirdo group, generally female or prepubescent male, is the Fashion Show. The Fashion Show weirdo dresses in a way totally bizarre and unacceptable for us conservative business types. I know no other way of explaining this weirdo without citing specific examples from tonight. My favorite being the girl with skunk hair (half pure white, half black, presumably smells like roadkill), who wore a shirt that appeared to be made of a young child's dinosaur bedding. The shirt had bright red, yellow, and green t-rexes and brontosaurs all over it. Then there are the angst filled fourteen year olds who still insist like dressing like Kurt Cobain. Get over it. His crazy wife killed him and faked his suicide before you were born.

I'm not sure how I started talking about people dressing strange at concerts and ended up accusing Courtney Love of murder, but hell, it's late (or early, depending on your lifestyle) and I'm allowed a tangent or two.

Let's get something clear right now, I don't judge or dislike any of these weirdos. Okay, that's an outright lie, I'm probably not going to invite the MFRS over for tea any time soon, but that's not the point. Everyone is entitled to enjoy the concert however they choose; some just choose in very strange ways.

While these were the only three main weirdo classes represented tonight worth discussing, there are two more worth mentioning, without much detail:

1) The "Loses Inhibition to Song" Drunk Girl-found mostly at heavy metal, hair band, and John Mayer concerts, before he died.

2) The "I'm Under 18, but here with My Older Sibling, Cousin, and/or Older Friend; I Can Drink and Smoke" teens-found everywhere. These actually were there tonight, right in front of me actually, but there's not much to say. They party hard for mediocre opening acts just to fall asleep for the band they (or their parents) paid good money to see.

Moving on, something bugs me at every concert I go to: Why the hell do we still have encores? What purpose do they serve? We all know when the band leaves and the house lights don't come on, the band will be back. I've been to horrible concerts (Three Doors Down, I'm looking at you), where I still had to stand there and clap until they came out to further their sucktitude. Call me crazy, but wouldn't it make more sense from both a fan satisfier perspective and show momentum standpoint to stay on the stage for ten extra minutes? Tonight Modest Mouse came out at 9:30, walked off the stage at 10:30, came back onstage at 10:40, left again at 11:00. Now, if I'm going to leave at 11:00 no matter what, why not fill that ten minutes with my two favorite songs they DIDN'T EVEN PLAY? If I stopped writing this very instant, only to return five minutes later and finish this paragraph, would it serve any discernible purpose? What's worse, is the encore is always the always the last band that performed, not necessarily the best. Last summer, after watching a twin-headlined show of Pearl Jam and a Tom Petty robot, Eddie Vedder clearly stole the show. The only highlight of the Tom Petty robot's show was when Eddie Vedder came out to join him, and Eddie Vedder's mic wasn't even on. Now, when I stayed and shouted encore, I wanted more Pearl Jam and less robots. Did it happen? No. Am I bitter? Yes. But I'll float on ahead, don't you worry.

I'm long overdue for sleep, but I thought I'd leave you with this exchange between Carl, a Class A Idiot, and My Brother's Short Italian Friend (not named Jon). It took place near the bar, while My Brother's Short Italian Friend (not named Jon), and I waited for My Brother to get through the t-shirt line. We had already begun making fun of a gentleman (who we'll shortly learn is named Carl), because he said obnoxious statements extremely loud. He did this to entertain us all to no avail. Anyways, I bid you good night, and leave you with this:

Drunken Stranger, walks up to My Brother's Short Italian Friend (not named Jon): You look cool. Are you cool?

MBSIF(nnJ): I assure you I am not.

DS: What's your name man?

MBSIF(nnJ): Jon.

DS: Mine's Carl! You seem cool. You like Modest Mouse?

MBSIF(nnJ): Uh, yeah.

Carl: Me too. That's a nice hat.

MBSIF(nnJ): Thanks.

Carl: I really like that hat. Phillies right?

At that point, Carl attempts to grab the hat and shake it, reasons unknown.

MBSIF(nnJ): Please don't shake my hat.

Carl's friend: Come on Carl, let's go have a cigarette before this guy punches you in the face.

Carl: You'll have to forgive my friend. He's not very nice to people, and thus not very popular. Not popular at all. Not like me. You wouldn't punch me would you, Jon?

MBSIF(nnJ): Absolutely not.

Carl: Good. Well Jon, I'm going to go have a cigarette. I hope you like the concert. Go Phillies.

Ten bonus points to who can correctly guess what category Carl fell into once the show started. Talk to you later kids.