The Audacity of Evolving as a Human Species: A Mixed Metaphor Coda to the Most Important Election the Universe Will Ever See

You know how all dinner buffets feature the same dark yellow macaroni and cheese? I can't resist that stuff. It's not very good. It never gives me an ounce of satisfaction. Still every time I go to a buffet I load at least two scoops of macaroni and cheese on my plate. The cheese may be a slightly different shade of yellow at each buffet, the noodles may vary in thickness, but the macaroni and cheese will consistently be bland and unassuming. Why do I continue to eat the strange glue-like food product? I like macaroni and cheese. I don't often eat macaroni and cheese. I've had some absolutely wonderful bowls of macaroni and cheese in my life. I keep hoping the buffet version will hold up. I know it's not healthy for me. I feel the noodles sticking to various parts of my digestive tracts for the few days following my dining experience. I don't feel good about myself. I'll rationalize my decision all the same. I'll say to myself, "I've always liked macaroni. Cheese is good. I can't change something about me I've always done even if the whole reason I'm doing it is because I've always done it. At one point I must have had some delicious buffet macaroni and cheese. Besides, that corn looks awfully bright and a little larger than regular corn. It can't possibly have the substance of real corn." If for some reason the macaroni turns out to be awful, I'll blame the food that sat in the pan prior to the macaroni and cheese. The macaroni and cheese never stood a chance in a pan sullied by a prior food. Unfortunately all these trips to the buffet over the last eight years caused me to step on the scale to find the economy has collapsed, I'm involved in two wars that lack clear prioritization and planning, and the world hates me for holding onto an unbelievable amount of hubris in light of a string of high-profile failures.

Before I reveal my final vote and the reasons behind it, let’s clear up a few points:

This is not the most important election in the history of the universe. Yes, we are guaranteed a black man or a woman will hold one of the top two offices in the land. That makes this election historic, not the most important. Yes, we are living through an economic crisis and a recession that’s not called a recession (see hubris). Yes, there are wars going on. Yes, our country has its flaws that need to be addressed. Guess what? This has happened before. This will happen again. The country has seen worse recessions—so much so we actually labeled them recessions. We’ve been at war before. Does the next administration have a lot to deal with? Yes. Did the prior administration? Yes. It’s the Presidency. It will always be important. There is never an unimportant presidential election. The only difference between this election and all the other elections is we now have roughly eight hundred million news networks with fourteen thousands anchors each combing over every detail of every conversation, poll, and errant breeze to gauge the effects on people’s political affiliations. Since the news is now as big of a corporation as the corporations it covers, each network has to convince you that their coverage of the Greatest Election Ever is more important than their competition’s. Don’t believe the hype.

Sarah Palin and Barack Obama are not substance free human beings just because they are young and inexperienced. Like him or not, Obama came from nothing to likely being the first (half) black President. The man has a backbone. Did he vote in the Senate? No. Did he use his entire elected time in office to run for President? Yes. Did McCain? Yes. He was just smarter about it. I’m still not sure why McCain picked Palin. I don’t think it will ever appear to be for any reason other than she was woman, hear her roar. Regardless of the political reasons behind it, this is a woman who five years ago would never have thought to be a vice presidential nominee and has acted with considerable grace and class. She has kept her poise in situations that the “experienced and ready to lead” McCain has not. She did not shy away from the limelight after the Couric interview and Tina Fey made her seem like a fool. I don’t want to dwell on either of these points. I just want to say that all four people are good, quality people. I know its politics, so the only way we can justify voting for one candidate is by making the other candidate seem like a radical crazy. Barack Obama does not want all young babies to die. Nor will he turn this country into a socialist society of Muslims. Don’t insult me and say he will. McCain will not steal every dollar from the working class. He will not eliminate beaches in order to make more oil. You can disagree with a candidate on a particular issue and it doesn’t mean he will make your worst fears come to light. Can we all agree on that?

It’s absolutely ridiculous that in this current era of politics and coverage that we only have two political parties. It’s even more ridiculous when people get upset at “their” party for not acting like “their” party. Why do we have a party system? Other than that it makes it easier for people to blindly donate money on their tax return, I can’t see a reason. Why can’t every politician look at the bills in front of them and form their own opinion versus working the party lines? George Washington himself hated the party system. Revisionist history has made both he and John Adams Federalists, but they weren’t. They were people with their own opinions who loved their country. The country has grown exponentially since the early 1800s, yet we still have the same amount of major parties representing the populace. If you can make that add up in your noggin’ more power to you.

No one should go vote because people told them to. Should you vote? Yes. You should make an informed vote. If you didn’t spend any time getting to know anything, don’t go muck it up for the people who actually earned their opinions. Stay home and watch an old episode of the Tom Green Show or something.

Lastly, it seems like every election there exists a notion this is the “worst one of them all” when it comes to attack ads, backstabbing, etc. It’s not. It’s never been good. Each presidential election has had its slimy characters trying to influence the outcome. Each campaign has had to resort to tactics the candidate ultimately wipes his hands of. It’s a broken system. We’d rather vote for who is less bad than who is more good. Because of this we resign ourselves into thinking every election is being decided between “the lesser of two evils.” Both these candidates are good men. They are not evil. The parties themselves and the people who run the campaigns may have a touch of evil to them, but the candidates themselves aren’t. Like them or not, they’ve dedicated their lives to the country. They have good intentions. No one is running for President in an attempt to ultimately drop the bomb.

So where am I on the issues? I am here: I completely disagree with abortion but don’t think the government has any right to tell anyone whether or not it should be illegal; I like the idea of discovering alternate energy sources (hopefully creating jobs in this country) not because it “lessens our dependence on foreign oil” but because it’s ridiculous we’re still relying on black sludge from the ground to operate this planet; I don’t mind the idea of people with high incomes getting taxed more than the people with lower incomes; I may mind when I earn a high income; I think it’s okay if people change their minds on these issues, even if they are in offices of political prominence; I think welfare should be completely eliminated; I think sports should be regulated and wages capped at something high but realistic instead of $30,000,000 per year; I like the idea of capital punishment—an eye for an eye; I think socialism works as a theory but it won’t work without an incredible amount of safeguards in place to prevent loafing; I think it’s important what the rest of the world thinks about our country; I think attitude is everything; I think integrity is important; I think partial birth abortions are disgusting; I believe people can have really close friends (even mentors) they completely disagree with and still associate with; the idea of universal health care makes more sense to me than an economic bailout of a flawed, broken financial system; the income gap in this country is ridiculous; it’s offensive teachers make 1/100 of what Eddie Murphy got paid to star in Norbit; it makes me sad that race and gender are issues at all; it makes me more sad that issues can’t be discussed without hatred and vehemence; I think it’s ridiculous that “experience” means being old and arbitrarily compiling more experiences; I think it’s ridiculous that “experience” matters for a President but not a Vice President; I think No Child Left Behind will ultimately destroy the very public school system it was designed to perfect; I think diplomacy is okay; I don’t think we can just pull out of Iraq tomorrow; I think we were lied to about WMDs; the fact that all female celebrities under the age of twenty-five are way too skinny and portrayed to be beautiful and normal is a much bigger problem than and kills/damages more children (specifically girls) than abortion; I think people should stop living beyond their means; I don’t like cell phones or Facebook but respect your right to have both; I don’t like affirmative action; I do like Title IX; I think none of the issues I talked about will be worked on in the next four years; I think either candidate will do an okay job.

So who am I voting for? Obama. Why? To quote Colin Powell (loosely): it’s time for a new regime. In the 1980s when Hulk Hogan was in the prime of his career, I never thought pro wrestling or the WWF would get any better. Then Hulk started to get older. Then Hulk got a little out of touch. Then he got boring. By 1993 the WWF product had stagnated. Hulk Hogan needed to away. The WWF didn’t only need a new top star however. They couldn’t simply bump up a performer who’d been around for years, put him in a fresh pair of tights, and experience high ratings. They needed universal change throughout the ranks. They needed new faces to keep thing interesting and move things along in the right direction. They let Hulk Hogan leave, and they started to push new faces…Shawn Michaels, Bret Hart, Stone Cold Steve Austin. There were some growing pains. A lot of fans didn’t want to admit change was necessary. They liked the old faces and had grown comfortable watching them. Ratings slumped. Then all of a sudden people started to enjoy the new product. They realized just because it wasn’t like it was before, it’s not bad. Behind the likes of Stone Cold Steve Austin and the Rock (who incidentally is half black) the WWF rose to unforeseen sights. Even Hulk Hogan reinvented himself-something that would never have happened had he stayed in the WWF-and found new ways to contribute to the industry. Suddenly it felt good to be a wrestling fan again.

Obama represents that change to me. Is he the best candidate ever created? No. Does he have his flaws? Lord yes. But sometimes to kick start a stagnating product, you need fresh faces. Neither candidate represents me across the board. I refuse to pigeonhole myself into one party or the other. I will end with this: these elections have boiled themselves down to a race between two parties—not people. The Republican Party has spent the last eight years with an anti-Midas touch.

I can’t possibly justify going to the polls and eating that same old macaroni again.