Frank

How do I live with myself for getting Dish Network, whose main spokesperson is Frank Caliendo? Who is Frank Caliendo some of you ask? Those of you who asked that, good job, you win a gold star! Hooray for gold stars! Frank is a "comedian." I say that loosely because really he is an "impressionalist." As is typical with impressionalists, he impersonates voices and uses the impressioned voice to say normal stuff in different settings. Take for instance his genius impersonation of John Madden. It consists of Frank saying something loud (get it? John Madden is loud) followed by, "I love Brett Favre!" It's funny because John Madden is a football commentator and sometimes talks about Brett Favre. I'll give you a minute to stop laughing, so you can continue reading.

Taking it further, sometimes he'll pretend he's John Madden in a sports booth, sometimes a hardware store, and sometimes a child's birthday party. He helps us answer the question, "What would happen if John Madden attended little Tony's birthday party?" Awesomeness would happen, that's what. If you ever want to prove to yourself that life isn't entirely worth living, turn on the Fox Sunday NFL coverage and you can see Frank dressed up as Madden personifying wit and arguing with the intelligent Terry Bradshaw. Somewhere Groucho Marx is crying.

Let's be clear about something. Impressions aren't funny. They're cheap. Great job Frank, you spent three days in front of the mirror making sure you can sound like Al Pacino. I once spent a night at the drive-in eating two bunches of bananas (literally-not sexually innuendoey) and watching American Pie. I consider my accomplishment better if only because my pointlessness resulted in a decent intake of potassium. Here's a rule about humor in general: if you're joke starts out with, "Have you ever noticed how John Madden says, 'Brett Favre' a lot?" and then you go on to say Brett Favre a lot, that's not funny. That merely points out the fact that John Madden shouldn't be a football commentator. As usual, facts aren't funny, they're facts.

It's not just John Madden though. His magnificent act also includes such topical impressions as Robert DeNiro saying, "You talking to me?" from the recent 1976 Academy Award nominated movie, Taxi Driver; George Bush saying something clueless (how groundbreaking!); and Jack Nicholson being cool and wanting to party. Yep. That guy, THAT Frankie, the most hilarious guy in the world, is the spokesperson for a company I'm locked into a two year contract with. I feel dirty. My medium-earned money goes towards paying his revenue checks. I hate me.