Man O Rock; Man O Gym

Oh Man at Gym, how I must thank you for entertaining me on this rain-soaked, dreary evening. Even now, as I write this with my puppy staring at me telling me it's time for bed, I can't help but wonder: are you a real person? Do you really act the way you act? Or are you a plant, put there by various health boards across the United States of America to warn others about the perils of over-exercising?

You've spent your whole life, which I estimate at 46 or so years, gaining a rock solid if unbalanced and top heavy figure. You spend hours a night screaming at and shaking your muscles and watch them grow slightly bigger each passing month. You have built a physique that women dream to knocka the boots with. Unfortunately, your penie is seldom used for the intercourse. Why is this? Is it your hair? The hair that is still just a little too short up top and a bit too long in the back? Or maybe it's the stars and stripes forever headband covering up the hairline that's receding all the way to the party in the back.

It could be possible that the women you've met at bars called Chasers and Squirts simply don't want to be with a man who can't put his arm against his own body and walks as though he's receiving an endless rectal examination. Maybe you've met conversationalists that prefer to start sentences with words like: the, therefore, penguins, employment, or any of the millions of other options rather than obligatorily stating, "Uh (pause)" before each sentence.

There could be other reasons your now shrunken penie has slowly eroded and become a borderline mangina. It might be that you walk around with a Sony Discman on your arm, listening to speed metal and sometimes doing a little of the head banging between sets. Ripped! It could be that you hold the headphones in your mouth, when your ears don't want to hear no more of that RAH RAH RAH. Most likely, it's that your way to comfortable lying on a bench looking up at your best friend's crotch while he screams at you, "Come on Boy. Get it!"

I feel for you Man at Gym. However I feel it is my duty, seeing as how I had forgot how entertaining you can be, not having been to a gym in over three years, to warn you. Just because you have the same haircut you did when you were 17 doesn't mean the 17 year old girl on the adjacent elliptical is someone you can a) flirt with or b) hit on without a) looking like a fool or b) getting incarcerated. Come on Boy. Get it!