I'm Once Again Famous

Evidently, the bearded, blue-coated man who I almost blew up off a bridge yesterday goes by the name of Harry and works for the Des Moines Register. I know this because a picture of little Alti in the ditch adorns the front page of said paper today. This makes me both happy and furious. More furious, but only because I have anger management issues and get inexplicably angry about issues that really don't matter. Like videogames. They cheat, and that pisses me off.

This is my second stint in the Des Moines Register in the last three years. My first being when I proudly worked at a different warehouse-that one had tires! I was shown all dressed up standing next to tires on the front of the business section (once a businessman, always a businessman). I became an overnight, immediate sensation, eliciting calls from some of my fellow businessmen. One guy called and arranged a meeting with me at a Bagel Shop to ask me into his pyramid scheme. Evidently, I could have made myself millions just by purchasing groceries online. This was the second time invited into said scheme, and I think, with all apologies to Isaac Hayes, I'd rather be a batshit crazy Scientologist.

Speaking of (my transitions will be flawless today, just you wait), do any other authors have religions they started while high in their basements? I'd like to follow the teachings of Dostoevskey. Or, Vonnegut died yesterday (while my death was almost epic, a legendary 84-year old author simply fell down in his kitchen and broke his brain), and I'm sure you could find people that love him enough to turn their cult-based following into a creepy, faith-based institution. My Brother would probably be the first to sign up.

Transitioning to My Brother, he goes to college. At the college, several Japanese students attend.

Which brings me to this, Japanese people are CRAZY. Actually, they may be noble, and since nobility died in the States during the Nixon era, I may just find their altruistic behavior to be slightly off. I do come with valid research to back this claim, as to not be called a racist (don't worry, I'll make fun of white people too!). For instance, last night during a game of the GREATEST GAME IN THE WORLD (baseball), two Japanese people were advertised to face one another. In baseball, and thus the rest of the world, it was a pretty big deal. Media was everywhere, and skinny. How do they stay so damn skinny? One media member, instead of sensationalizing a story for his/her gain, actually asked Ichiro (who I probably don't have to tell you is one of the Japanese people) what it would be like to face Matsuzaka (Japanese Man 2). Ichiro responded with maybe the greatest sports quote ever: "I hope he arouses the fire that's dormant in the innermost recesses of my soul. I plan to face him with the zeal of a challenger."

American trash talk doesn't even come close to reaching the heights of awesomeness this quote hit. For instance, let's segue to football, by all accounts a barbarian sport of men with no patience, class, or integrity. Here's a conversation had ever year before the Superbowl.

"Linebacker, what do you expect to do to White Quarterback this week?"
"I'm a git 'em."
"How do you respond, White Quarterback."
Pretentiously, "I feel as though my many strengths will outweigh my obvious deficiencies and that, while Linebacker has a four-tool skill set, I should be able to play my game and execute the coach's plan without issue. I then will..."

Let us cut White Quarterback off, for if we do not, we will fall asleep by the end of the post. Seriously though, Ichiro just became my favorite Japanese person ever. And that's saying something!

Well, it's 11:39 am, and after bookending sleep with two blogs, I say it's time for delicious coffee. Peace out little ones.